[ Previous ] [ Next ]

Continuation of Advice to the Lovely Cyprians.

[p133] YE lovely Cyprians, never hire a young fly-catching foot-boy, or a diminutive deformed footman; but keep a stout, sturdy young fellow, about five feet ten inches high, two feet six over the shoulders, &c. Such a servant behind your carriage, or walking after you, has a noble and elegant appearance, commands respect, and will protect you from the impertinent vulgar.

The modest women all have very tall, handsome footmen; a diminutive little wretch would considerably diminish the dignity and pomp both of their rank and [p134] equipages. Then how pleasing to their vanity, when some female friend in the evening says to them, "My dear Lady Kitty, how divinely beautiful you looked this morning, in your new state-chair, going to Court! -- what handsome liveries, and what four charming tall footmen! -- with what grace they tripped before your chair! -- I vow I was enraptured with the whole. -- When I am married, I shall take your equipages and servants for my model." Some very censorious men, and a few disappointed old maids, have wished to make the world believe that there are many noblemen indebted for their birth to footmen, as well as that there are footmen indebted to noblemen for theirs. But I am sure no liberal mind can for one moment harbour such a suspicion. As for you, ye beautiful Cyprians, I am certain you have too much [p135] pride to condescend to such degrading familiarity.

But if you are very scrupulous and tenacious of your character in this respect, I recommend you to hire a stout, well-looking black servant. Then your reputation and virtue can never suffer from the most censorious and antiquated prudes; for, what woman can be suspected of submitting to the smallest familiarity from a nasty black creature?

No good servant, surely, will ever refuse to exert his fullest powers to please a kind and liberal mistress: therefore your footman's attention may be of considerable use to you, in the absence of your friend, or when the Captain, or your flash-man, is following his occupation, scampering on his prancer upon the high [p136] tober, or at some country fair mulking the flatts of the quid: prigging a reader, or dorsing a darkey upon the queer roost with some other rum blowen, who is kind enough to dabble his lully in the morning whilst he lies in bed, that he may appear before you in the evening clean and neat.

For the interpretation of the above elegant phrases, I refer you to a book intitled "The London Sharper;" containing a dialogue of that most useful and elegant accomplishment, the slang language. I recommend it particularly to your perusal for the purity and elegance of its style, and grammatical accuracy, for which it has been so justly praised by all the Reviewers.

It will not only afford you infinite [p137] amusement and instruction, but will guard you against various impositions practised daily on the unwary, and make you acquainted with those necessary professional accomplishments, such as coming the fawney, lully-prigging, the dobbing cant, the running rumbler, sky-larking, blue pigeon-flying, making a stall for a reader, or a screen, or a rum squeeze at the spell, the runny snarel, how to slang your mawley, to scamp, prig, floor, doo, hobble, frisk, mount, lumber, and force a kenn; to be careful of the young dabbs, and the Queen Elizabeth; it will teach you, when any rich man is dorsing a darkey with you upon the queer roost, how to frisk his groapers for his reader and screens; together with various other necessary and amiable accomplishments. I would with pleasure [p138] have translated the above phrases and expressions; but I am certain I should draw on me the obloquy of all the philosophers and literati, as well as doing an infinite detriment to a brother author; it being the duty of every man of taste and literature to endeavour to promote the sale of so valuable and much to be admired work. You, ye beauteous fair ones, so distinguished as you ever are for patronizing the arts and sciences, and endeavouring to carry them to the very height of perfection; as that valuable book costs only sixpence, will, I am certain, contribute to the works of a writer so pregnant with instruction and sentiment.

Of all connections and intrigues, that with a flash-man is the worst: for, when you are tired of the fellow, it is very difficult to get rid of him; and some women, [p139] who want resolution, often continue to support this fellow in idleness, who, if he were industrious, might earn a very competent livelihood on the highway, or in some ingenious art or science in this town, of which these gentlemen are in general so perfectly masters. Besides, indolence is the bane and destruction of all trade. This fellow, instead of perpetually draining your purse, if industrious, would prove a very useful member of society, and of considerable benefit to our trade and manufactures; for all philosophers and statesmen have acknowledged, that private vices are public benefits, and that no nation can be rich and powerful that is truly virtuous; and that not only highwaymen, but even housebreakers, are encouragers of industry, and contribute materially to the support of many honest tradesmen and artificers; [p140] for the highwayman, who takes from the rich traveller, spends his guinea at night in a tavern with as much freedom as a duke, which goes ultimately to the benefit of the vintner, brewer, butcher, &c. and generally contributes largely to the support of some favourite fair one, who must not only have the necessaries of life, but be supplied with gowns, caps, linen, stockings, shoes, and many other articles of our manufactures: thus, by this gentleman's exertions, a great advantage is derived by the mercer, linen-draper, shoe-maker, hosier, &c. Were all the world honest, and no housebreakers or highwaymen, half the blacksmiths and locksmiths, who form a very numerous and opulent part of our artificers, would be ruined; for we should have no use for iron-bars and bolts to secure our houses, or locks and keys to secure our money [p141] and property. I well knew that women even of your refined taste and exquisite judgment often find charms and accomplishments in these gentlemen, as men of elegance sometimes acknowledge the beauty, and reverence the charms, of a cinder-wench or a beggar-girl; for beauty, from a true amateur, receives equal homage, whether it be found in a drawing-room or a dust-cart, in a duchess or a demirep.

I shall now, therefore, endeavour to instruct you how to get rid of such troublesome intruders, as these flash gentlemen generally dare. During the time of the late commander in chief, some of your friends might have had interest enough to have procured him a commission in the army; for, as his unbounded and undistinguishing philanthropy was extended to coach-painters, [p142] glaziers, waiters, and persons of the meanest occupations, I hope it will not have been denied to one of your favourite protectors; and though he might not possess the brilliant military talents which have so eminently distinguished those officers, and justified that chaste and honourable choice of their kind and distinguished patron, yet he surely would be more able to perform his military duty than old maiden-ladies¹ and children at school.

The scrupulous attention our present commander in chief has paid to the characters and conduct of officers of the army, and to the pay and clothing of the men, is absurd to a degree: and how such [p143] a conduct can have gained him that attachment which the army shews him, is astonishing to me. No moral or reflecting man can commend him, for he has even been so cruel as to publish the names in the gazette of helpless lovely babes and superseded children at school who bore commissions; and has even taken the bread out of the poor innocents' mouths.

Then that attention paid both to the quality and quantity of the clothing delivered to the soldier, has been the means, most unjustly, of depriving officers commanding regiments of drawing for more clothing than there are soldiers in their regiment: this has so depreciated the value of many corps, that, comparatively with the former establishment, they are hardly worth the acceptance of any man of [p144] fashion and fortune, and most particularly in the militia, who are for the most part commanded by noblemen and gentlemen of the first property and consequence in the land. Again, the commander in chief is highly to be censured for so rigidly enforcing the delivery of the clothing annually to every soldier, which, in some corps, I have been informed, was only distributed every other year. This has tended to make the army unfit for active service; for the commanding officers, judged very properly, that the worse the men were clothed, the more hardy they would be, and of course more fit to bear the fatigues of a campaign. Then, his having positively enforced that every soldier's coat should be lined, which, in some military corps, has been formerly omitted, in order to inure the soldier to cold, and make him more fit for service, has [p145] made the soldier so tender that he will only be of use a few sun-shining days in the beginning of the campaign, and will soon be in the hospital. In short, these complications of errors are so conspicuous, that I wonder how any set of men can approve of them.

As it is totally impossible, I give you my honour on it, while the present commander in chief continues in office, for you to provide for this gentleman in the army, I recommend you to give your favourite, discarded swain, sufficient to purchase a horse, a pair of pistols, and boots; in short, to fit him out complete for his occupation, and charge him never to see your face again. If he dares intrude on you after this mark of your kindness and regard, the best method I can recommend to you is [p146] to apply to the impress-service, when, by a few condescending familiarities with the gang, and permitting the captain, when he comes to London, now and then to visit you, you may secure a very warm birth for this impudent intruder, either in Africa or St. Domingo; from whence, it is an hundred to one, he never will return.

Thus I have given you, to the best of my abilities, a description of flash-men and footmen -- how to get rid of the one, and how to make choice of the other; but without the smallest intent of lowering the former in your esteem and friendship, or of depreciating the value and respect due to the latter. Flash-men are very useful to you, and the passion for them is both natural and innocent; and as I have instructed you how to get [p147] rid of them, or provide for them when they are no longer engaging, you will henceforward have the pleasure of enjoying their company with much greater satisfaction.

From an early attention in life to the Scriptures, I have ever held it sinful to be rich: For it is written in the Testament, that it is as impossible for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of Heaven, as it is for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle. The rich are not the happiest mortals on this earth; and as riches tend to ensure misery in the world to come, I am astonished, therefore, that people in general should so ardently seek after them, and labour so incessantly in the pursuit of them. Considering happiness in the world to come to be infinitely preferable to the uncertain pleasures [p148] of this life, I have ever banished riches from my doors, and despised them as they deserve. The word camel, in the above Scripture phrase, I must inform you, as it gives me infinite pleasure to instruct you in all things, by very learned commentators is supposed to be erroneously translated, and that the real world ought to be cable: but whether it be camel or cable, both are impracticable; and the impossibility of either being accomplished, seems to threaten all rich persons with misery in the world to come.

As I have, perchance, dropped into a religious subject, I shall go a little further: I shall not trouble you much on that score; as it must be a matter of total indifference to you to know whether Martin Luther, when he died, as the Roman [p149] Catholics assert, was drunk, and taken away by the Devil in a whirlwind;² whether Mahomet went to Paradise, as it is said, on a Jack Ass; or whether the Popes take their flight there on broomsticks. These things do not concern you. As for the present Pope, I sincerely wish him a happy and pleasant journey through the air on a broom-stick, or astride any thing else that he may choose to be mounted on; for, although the Papal power has certainly been gone to the Devil for some time past, I by no means wish his Holiness to follow it.

Ye lovely Cyprians, let me instruct you never to swear: it is not only sinful, but extremely vulgar. It is bad enough in a man, but in a woman it is shocking and [p150] disgusting. Therefore, when you wish to assert any thing with energy, on a Sunday you may say, May I never go to Heaven if such a thing be not true! On week days, you may use the following expression: May I never enter a pair of sheets again! On trivial occasions, you may swear by your chastity; for which expression you cannot be ridiculed by the generality of modest women, as long as you live with one man, and intrigue only with half a dozen more.

I wish I could with propriety recommend modesty to you: but modesty is by no means suitable to your characters; nor will it satisfy your wants, any more than a fat sheep would appease the hunger of a starving cow: moreover, I assure you that it is quite out of fashion, and totally exploded in the higher circles; for [p151] the blushing goddess has spread her wings, and taken her flight from their doors as well as from yours. Indeed there would be no harm or sin in swearing by Pharoah's Foot, by Aaron's Rod, by Moses's Beard, by Sampson's Nose, or Balaam's Ass; or you may cheat the Devil of an oath, as the Americans do, and say, Tarnation seize me, or swamp me, if I don't do this or that! But they are all vulgar expressions; therefore, attend, if you please, to the three forms I have recommended to you, as they are religious, affectionate, and chaste.

Economy in your house-keeping is absolutely necessary. Above all things, you should diligently attend to the method in which your servants are fed: if you do not, they will soon eat you out of house and home. Never permit them to take [p152] cold meat, either at breakfast, luncheon, or dinner; for it is universally acknowledged, that one pound of hot meat will go nearly as far in a family as two pounds of cold, and particularly in summer. I know this myself from experience, that in the hot weather I can eat heartily of cold meat, when I cannot bring myself to taste hot; besides, three hot meals a-day will give your house-keeping the appearance of grandeur and liberality, and your purse will reap a considerable benefit. The cold victuals should be hashed up both at breakfast and luncheon in the frying-pan, with a plentiful quantity of suet and dripping, to make them relish it well. I will be bound they will not consume half as much meat in a day, as they otherwise would; and if they should, out of spite to you, eat heartily of these savoury [p153] hashes, it will make them so sick that they will not be able to relish any meat whatever for two days at least, by which you will be a considerable gainer. You should also provide each of your servants with a pair of large spectacles, of the first magnifying quality, and never permit them to sit down at any meal without wearing them; for they are as necessary, and as useful in your kitchen, as the pots, kettles, and spits. Glasses of such magnifying powers will make a lark appear as big as a fowl, a fowl as big as a full-grown cock turkey, ducks and geese as big as bustards and swans, a leg of mutton as large as a hind quarter of beef, turnips and potatoes of the size of melons and pumpkins, and a twopenny loaf as large as a quartern. And as philosophers assure us that pain even is only imaginary, we may justly [p154] believe the same of hunger. Thus, if a servant, who eats no more than one pound of food, imagines, by the aid of these glasses, that he has eat three pounds, his hunger will be as fully satisfied, and he will rise from his meal contented; while you will have much less to pay your butcher, baker, and green grocer.

I do not think it would be amiss if you were to tell your servants, although you do not wish the world to know it, that you are of the Roman Catholic faith, and that, on account of your religion, you cannot permit any meat to come into your house on Fridays, Saturdays, and other fast days. Surely it will be no hardship for you to dine one day in the week on fish. Do but this, and display now and then a handsome cross on your breast, and have a stand made in that shape for [p155] your parrot to perch on, they will implicitly believe you, and you will save two days meat in seven. Then consider what a wonderful deal of money you will save in Lent. Although I vow that I am a great advocate for all forms and ceremonies in religion, yet I would not have you think I am so rigidly scrupulous, absurd, and bigoted, as to imagine, that if a Catholic should take a fancy for half an ounce of meat on a Friday, or even eat a Welch rabbit in Lent, or that a Jew should partake of a pig's tail fried, which is a very delicate morsel, that either of them would be excluded from future happiness.

You may, I think, with propriety, establish one banyan day in the week in your family; and if the servants complain, tell them they are a set of impertinent [p156] fellows and impudent husseys; that the sailors, who are fighting for their country, and risking the dangers both of battle and shipwreck, have always one banyan day in the week, and are perfectly satisfied.

Although I have taken the greatest pains to instruct you how to conduct yourselves through life, as long as you continue votaries at the shrine of the goddess Cytherea, yet I should be wanting in attention to your future comfort, if I did not in some measure endeavour to instruct those of your cast who may be desirous of entering into the holy bands of matrimony, how to conduct themselves after they become wives. Your situation will be totally altered, for, in a Cyprian state, you are yourselves alone amenable to the laws of your country for bad conduct [p157] and misdemeanor: but, when married, the husband becomes responsible for the misbehavior of his wife; therefore the law very justly gives him a power to correct her with calmness and moderation. But lest, from a brutal ferocity of passion, some men might coerce their wives with too much violence, a learned Judge, now no more, thought fit, in his wisdom, to make known the law relative to the size of the instrument with which a woman may be coerced, and solemnly declared that it should not be larger than a man's thumb.

Although the learned Judge, was not sanctioned in his opinion relative to the size of the instrument of the coercion, yet the very first Law opinion in the country supports the legality of the punishment; I mean the celebrated Blackstone. I shall give [p158] you a passage out of his Commentaries, which I hope will operate as a gentle hint to you, as it plainly shews you what power the laws of your country gives the husband over his wife, in cases of disobedience and misconduct.

Thus the learned Judge Blackstone writes in his Commentaries, vol. i. p. 444. "The husband also, by the old law, might give his wife moderate correction; for, as he is to answer for her misbehaviour, the law thought it reasonable to entrust him with this power of restraining her by domestic chastisement, in the same moderation that a man is allowed to correct his apprentices or children, for whom the master or parent is also liable, in some cases, to answer: but this power of correction was confined within reasonable bounds, and the [p159] husband was prohibited from using any violence to his wife, aliter quam ad verum ex causa regiminis et castigationis uxoris suae licite et rationabiliter pertinet. The civil law gave the husband the same, or a larger, authority over his wife; allowing him, for some misdemeanors, flagellis et fustibus acriter verberare uxorem; for others, only modicam castigationem adhibere."

As, from a defect of your education, you do not, ye lovely Fair, understand Latin, it is necessary you should be made acquainted with this point in law, as it materially concerns you. The sentence of "flagellis et fustibus acriter verberare," when the true sense of the words are taken, implies, that in some cases, where the crime the wife is guilty of exceeds a common misdemeanor, such as making him [p160] a cuckold, spitting in his face, or breaking his head with a chamber-pot, (the latter of which, when fast asleep in bed, a friend of mine suffered from a most lovely and affectionate wife,) in such cases the law permits him to give her a sound horse-whipping, or to knock her down with his fist, and give her two black eyes and a bloody nose.

Take care, therefore, how you behave when you are permitted to partake of the blessings and sweets of holy matrimony, and remember I have given you an early warning. I must for myself candidly confess, that this law is particularly constituted to promote the mutual peace and happiness of the marriage state; as, from experience, I can testify, that in some families there would be no existing without it, so wonderful are its magic powers in [p161] preserving peace and harmony between a fond wedded couple. Sometimes, even when the law is reversed, it has its salutary effects, as there should be good order preserved either by one party or the other. I confess it often gives me great satisfaction to reflect, that, whilst I carry in my hand an oaken shillelah, I am sanctioned by law in the use of it: for if the law permits a man to beat a tender delicate woman with a stick as big as his thumb, surely no law will punish me for beating a great, clumsey, overgrown, insolent rascal with a stout cudgel. In this there is a double propriety; and in using it I have ever considered myself as acting strictly according to the letter of the law, and sanctioned by the legislature: for the same reasons, I hold it lawful to horsewhip any person who has grossly insulted [p162] me, and refuses to give satisfaction; but as whaleing a gentleman from head to foot is but, at the best, a coarse and vulgar revenge, I think, to do the thing politely, it would be fully sufficient to ride up to him, crack your whip at him, and cry -- Ware horse! you son of a _____. The insult is just as great, and the labour less.

It is the duty of every man of honour to protect the fair sex, and even to risk his life in defence of their honour, happiness, and welfare. Every brave man will protect them from insult and injury, and will find a recompence, devoutly to be wished for, in their affections and confidence; while he who tamely permits the wrongs they suffer to go unrevenged, will meet with his deserts -- the hatred [p163] and contempt of the loveliest part of human nature, for

None but the brave deserve the fair.

I must, however, confess, that you have no right to embroil us in your private quarrels one with another, though of this you are too often guilty. All private quarrels between woman and woman, I am of opinion, should be settled by you without our interference; and if things have gone to so great a length that they cannot be settled and accommodated both with honour and satisfaction to each party, I can see no reason why you should not decide the quarrel by sword and pistol, in the same manner as men do. A few duels would be of infinite service to the fair sex in general. It would prevent, in a considerable degree, your slandering and [p164] traducing each other's characters so grossly as you now are accustomed with impunity to do. In all cases of love, when the green-eyed monster jealousy pervades your heart, you might call the rival enemy to the field, and, in single combat, openly and boldly seek revenge; a conduct by far more noble than having recourse to those base and underhanded means you now are so wont to take to be revenged of your rival or the object of your hatred. It would also, in a great degree, preserve your chastity; for many of you have spared no pains to draw off the affections of a man from the woman devoted to your hatred; and have even gone so far as to make a sacrifice of your persons to him, without the smallest affection, but for the sole motive of gratifying your revenge, by distracting and breaking the heart of the female you hate, [p165] whose happiness was fixed on him. It would also prevent, in a very considerable degree, all cheating at cards, which, I am sorry to say, is too prevalent even in the highest female circles; for if Lady Kitty should observe Lady Jenny cheating, she might kick her down stairs, and not let the company be disturbed any further with their broils and wrangling, but settle the affair the next morning in Hyde Park.

Many of you are also very quarrelsome in your cups, when bottles and glasses fly about as thick as grape-shot in an action, by which your lovely features are sometimes wounded and disfigured. Sword and pistol would materially correct these enormities, and many others which at present are too tedious to relate.

[p166] What gallant actions the newspapers would frequently announce! as, for instance, "Yesterday Mrs. C____ and Mrs. D____, two lovely high-spirited Cyprians of the first class, had each a desperate rencontre in Hyde Park: they received eight shots a-piece, but neither of them would give in: the Bow-street officers interfered, and took them before Mr. Justice Bond; but no one appearing for their characters, and offering to bail them, but George Hanger, whose recognisance the magistrate would not accept, at the same time warning him to be careful of his own conduct, they were committed to the house of correction, and sentenced to mill doll.³ The Duke of ____ and Lord ____ appearing on their behalf next day, [p167] they were liberated, on finding security for their future good behavior."

Such paragraphs as the following would also enliven the dulness of newspapers: -- "We are happy to inform the public, that the dispute between Mrs. _____ and the Countess of _____, which originated at a division of the spoils of a Faro Bank, has been arranged, to the mutual satisfaction of both parties, by the interference of their friends. Mrs. _____ made use of such gross reflections, that the Countess could no longer retain her anger, but pulled Mrs. ____'s wig off, and threw it behind the fire. The Countess has brought her a new jasey, and asked her pardon. The Countess's coachman very kindly lent Mrs. _____ his wig to go home with that night, to prevent her catching cold."

[p168] "It is with the greatest pleasure we announce to the numerous friends of Lady Dorothy Brown, that her Ladyship is declared out of danger from the thrust she received in the lower part of her stomach." "We are happy in being informed, that the Countess of Bellebriggin is hourly recovering from the wounds she received in the last duel: her Ladyship has had seventeen different rencontres this winter. The wound has been diligently probed, but the balls have not yet been found, and the surgeons are of opinion that they did not enter."

Much good, I am convinced, would be derived from women having recourse in their private quarrels to sword and pistol; and I trust the fair sex will take it into their consideration, and adopt it.

[p169] "Yesterday Lady Kitty, and the Countess of _____, met in Hyde Park, the former attended by Gen. Tarleton, the latter by Col. Hanger: at the first discharge, the Countess fainted, and fell into the Colonel's arms. The General imagining the Countess to be killed, persuaded Lady Kitty instantly to make her escape. On the General's attending the Countess, and her friend the Colonel assuring him she was not wounded, the General then called for water, and applied a bottle of salts to her nose; but George Hanger, laughing at the General, said, "He would be shot if he had not something better in his pocket, that would bring her to immediately!" Knowing the weakness of the Countess's nerves, he very prudently had provided himself with a dram bottle, giving the Countess a sip or two, not of gin, which shortly recovered her, and she gallantly called [p170] for her second pistol. Lady Kitty having fled, prevented this affair from going greater lengths: it has since been arranged by the seconds, to the mutual honour of both parties. This unfortunate affair originated from Lady Kitty saying publicly, that if the Countess had called her an infamous scoundrel, she (the Countess) was an infamous rascal. Lady Kitty very properly apologized, and declared, that if the Countess did not intend to call her a scoundrel, she, Lady Kitty, did not intend to call the Countess a rascal. George Hanger was decidedly of opinion that they should be brought into the field again, and swore most manfully that he did not understand such logical apologies; but neither party being very desirous of meeting again, the affair was terminated."

[p171] "A very serious quarrel took place yesterday, at a private tea-drinking party, between Lady A_____ and Lady B_____. Lady A_____ told Lady B_____, that her husband was a cuckold and a nincompoop. Lady B_____ did not seem to take the former abuse much in dudgeon, but she lost all temper on the supposition of the latter, and vowed most solemnly that whatever her husband might be, he was no nincompoop; that it was insulting her delicacy and feeling in the highest degree, to let loose such a suggestion. From words they came to blows: in the contest, Lady B_____ struck Lady A_____ with the heel of her shoe, and broke the bridge of her nose. Lady B_____ has since presented Lady A_____ with a cane, which Lady A_____ laid gently over her shoulder, which was judged a sufficient atonement for the injury her Ladyship [p172] received on the projecting feature of the visage."

Ye lovely Cyprians, as you are eminently distinguished for your attachment to soldiers, any thing which will be instrumental to the advantage of the army, and to the honour and glory of your country, will, I flatter myself, meet with your patronage and approbation. Many people are of opinion, that there are as many shades of courage as of beauty; but I differ widely from them. All Britons are naturally brave, and I presume equally conspicuous for courage; nor do I believe that one single shy cock is to be found in the three kingdoms. Indeed, some few officers have been found in a ditch in action: but no suspicion of cowardice can be attached to such conduct; they were only wiser than the generality of their [p173] comrades, for discretion is allowed to be the better part of valour. Indeed, though a man from his infancy be of a nervous habit of body, the moment he puts on a red coat, his whole frame is invigorated, and his heart steeled against the greatest dangers. The infallible nostrum for relaxed nerves, acts as effectually on the heart as a strengthening plaster to a relaxed limb, and is as efficacious to the human frame as firing and blistering to a horse; it braces, makes firm, and brings the nerves and heart to their natural vigour and tone. A glass or two of grog taken after a fatiguing march from Ealing to Acton, is as infallible a military nostrum to establish true courage, as Dr. Brodum's Balsam, and Dr. Godbold's Botanical Syrup, for the care of asthmas and consumptions. But the common soldier is so stupid and wrong headed, that he cannot be brought to believe [p174] the truth of this, though, to a man of common sense, it is as intelligible as the Popish creed. Nor can he be brought to place the same degree of confidence, when led to action, in a commanding officer who has not been exposed to danger, as in one who has seen active service.

As there are many of our generals, and by far the greatest number of field officers, who never saw a shot fired in anger in their lives; both for the satisfaction of the common soldier, and for the honour and interest of my country, I propose that every general and field officer, who has not seen active service before they be permitted to take upon them the command of a brigade or regiment, shall be commanded to walk backwards and forwards for one quarter of an hour behind a canvas screen, about eight feet high, [p175] placed in front of a battalion of infantry, the men firing all the time as quick as possible at the cloth.⁴ The soldiers then will have confidence in the valour of their commanding officers. Another benefit to the country would be derived if these proposals were enforced: We should not then see so many gentlemen raise regiments, with no intention whatever to go with them, on active service, who now receive their pay and do nothing for it. By such wise regulations, all our generals and field officers would be men of tried valour, and those who would not submit to undergo the proof must resign and give up their pay; which would occasion a very great diminuation in the army estimates.

[p176] The Commissary Generals, Quarter-Master Generals, Barrack-Master Generals, Pay-Master Generals, and their deputies, should all be compelled to perform the same ceremony, as it is equally as satisfactory to the soldier to be fed, quartered, and paid by a brave man, as to be led to action by one. These gentlemen cannot possibly refuse so trifling a request, considering the great emoluments they gain by their places, as to be shot at for one quarter of an hour only during their whole lives, when the officer is liable to be shot at every week or day in the year. I should imagine that no man could be found so wanting to his own interest as to refuse being made permanent Commissary General, Quarter-Master General, or Barrack-Master General, on such easy terms. I forgot to mention that a ditch should be dug contiguous [p177] to the screen, about eight feet deep, where the first class of the Humane Society of surgeons might attend. All those who are wounded might be permitted to roll into it; for it would not be fair to fire at them when they are down.

I must confess that I am a great advocate for the new pivot manoeuvre, of wheeling backwards, from the facility of its being performed with such safety in all broken grounds, and especially in roads where the waggon ruts are deep, and in felled woods, where the stumps of trees are left standing, or where the roots of trees have been grubbed, and the holes not filled up.

Although the soldier performs this retrograde manoeuvre with perfect ease and safety, and without ever tumbling down, [p178] yet I am of opinion, if he were taught to dance, particularly all stage steps, it would be of great benefit to him; for nothing forms the limbs, or instructs a man to walk gracefully so well as dancing: besides, nothing is more effectual to teach a man to keep his mouth shut, and his ears and eyes open, which is so essential to perfect discipline and good order. I think the soldier might be taught to keep the step with greater precision in wheeling backward, if a sharp pointed iron peg, about an inch and a half long, was fixed in the heel of every soldier's shoe; then if any man should forget to step backwards with the proper leg, his comrade before him would be sure to pin his foot to the ground, which would enable the adjutant to find out the soldier who was to blame, that he might be sent to the drill to be perfected. At [p179] present it is very difficult to observe what soldier is guilty of the irregularity; for although they often tread on one another's toes, and break their comrades shins, they bear the pain, however excruciating, with silent and wry faces.

"Eyes right," and "Eyes left," are fascinating and elegant words of command: the old fashioned expression, "By the right dress," "By the left dress," was vulgar and incomprehensible; besides, it has a charming effect on the soldier, for it not only teaches him regularity in his duty, but gives him an agreeable facility of squinting, which, when off duty, he can turn to his advantage, by being able with greater ease and grace to ogle the ladies.

I have hitherto endeavoured, as far as [p180] it has been in my power, to connect my ideas, and arrange my advice for your future happiness, pleasure, and advantage, in order and method; but as affairs of consequence to myself will shortly engage my attention, and deprive me from giving up any more of that time, which, hitherto, I have with so much satisfaction devoted to your interest, and to the correction of the immorality and jacobinism of the present age, I am compelled to give my further instructions to you, in an unconnected and irregular way, just as the ideas arise in my mind.

First of all, I entreat you, who may perchance have children, never to permit them to be christened at home in a punch bowl, or in one of Mr. Wedgwood's earthen utensils; though I know it to be fashionable amongst the great. Go you to [p181] church with them; it is by far more decorous: as for myself, if I had twenty children, not one of them should be christened but in a river, as it was done of old.

I must confess, I am a great admirer of short waists and thin clothing: formerly, when the women wore strong stiff stays and cork rumps, you might as well sit with your arm round an oaken tree with the bark on, as round a lady's waist; but now, as you have seldom any more covering than your shift and gown of a cold day, your waist is extremely warm and comfortable to the feel. Besides, it is salutary to go thin clad, to let in the ambient heat. The loose attire of your petticoats and gown is not only graceful, but very convenient; it being equally appropriate to the utility of women of fashion, and women of no [p182] fashion; it being admirably constructed either for a young lady to conceal a big belly, or for a shop-lifter to hide a bale of goods. I will do you the justice to say, that in summer you go thin enough clad, as very few of you wear more than a shift, a thin linen petticoat, and a muslin gown: but in winter, the cold compels you to hide your shapes more than I can wish for your sakes, as I am desirous that your beauties should ever be displayed as far as decency will admit; therefore, instead of wearing a dickey,⁵ which most of you very prudently do in winter, though it totally destroys the symmetry of your shape, I recommend you, in lieu of it, to wear a very thin oiled-silk petticoat of a sky-blue or flesh colour: this is the [p183] warmest attire you can put on, as no air whatever can penetrate it; and then it is so thin, that not a dimple or muscle can escape the eye. Some few of you who are most perfectly formed, may wear breeches, made to fit you to the greatest nicety, of flesh-colour oiled silk, and over which nothing but a thin muslin petticoat and gown, the transparency of which will shew your shapes to the greatest advantage, and then you will not be in danger of catching cold. I really am of opinion, that many of you have been guilty of an error, in leaving off false pads, especially all those who are deficient in respect to that without which no woman can claim any tolerable degree of perfection. They were useful and convenient in other respects; for, on a Sunday, you might carry your prayer-book in them [p184] on one side, and one volume of my works on the other, to prevent your falling asleep in church-time, if the sermon should be very dull and long. A further benefit many of you who are ill-bred might derive for them; for, if you behaved so ill as to be kicked out of company the seat of honour could receive no damage.

Elastic false bosoms are much in fashion; but they never as yet have been turned to proper advantage. An ingenious artist might so construct them, that you might conceal your love-letters in them; for your mothers are all acquainted with the old stale trick of tucking them under your garters, or in your shoe, and may search there for them. If they were made of a competent size, you might carry [p185] your favourite squirrel in one of them, which could be a guard to you against immodest intruders.

Upon mature deliberation, I think the wigs now so much in fashion are the safest places to carry your billet doux; for, let you mother suspect you ever so much, she cannot be so rude as to pull your wig off in company, or even to discompose your coiffeure.

Fashionable and elegant expressions, when in public company, ye lovely Cyprians, are not only agreeable, but denote a good education, and shew that you have kept good company. Be mindful of the following, which you may apply as the conversation will admit you to bring them forward. "Patch," "What a bore," "That's the barber," "Go it," [p186] "The tippy and the twaddle," "What a swell," "Keep moving," "All my eye, Betty Martin," "Go along bob;" and above all things, never forget when asked any question which you do not choose to answer, to sell them a bargain.

Ye lovely Cyprians, Father Foigard, (with whom I agree,) says, "Receiving money before-hand is a bribe; but if afterwards taken, it is only a gratification." Be, I pray you, mindful of his instructions.

There are many patents for the cure of smoky chimnies, I mean of houses, which are infallible; but it has hitherto puzzled the ingenuity of man to cure a natural smoky chimney. Cardamum comfits, mellifluous and odoriferous draughts, may for a few hours conceal the defect, but [p187] it can never be for any time effectually prevented, but by cutting off the head, which, though rather a novel and dangerous operation, except performed by a very skilful artist, may be performed, and you may enjoy every faculty of nature except seeing, hearing, speaking, and smelling; for the particularly of which I refer you to a book written by an ingenious acquaintance of mine.⁶

Nothing sets a woman off so much, or makes her appear more graceful, than an elegant and dignified manner of walking: to plant the foot well, and turn your toes out, is the first of all accomplishments. Aeneas knew his mother by the dignity of her walk, before she spoke to him; vera incessu patiut dea. For [p188] the divine majesty of woman is displayed in her very step. Nothing is more disgusting than to see a woman, let her be ever so handsome, hurrying on with her toes turned in, like a duck walking down a gutter in a thunder storm. You that are not naturally endowed with this happy accomplishment, should take a dancing master to teach you to walk gracefully; though I think a drill sergeant is more capable of setting you will on your haunches. Besides, if you are militarily inclined, which is the rage amongst the ladies of the present day, he can instruct you in many useful evolution; can teach you the Indian way of fighting; how the covered way may be attacked and defended, how to batter a breach, or storm a fortress, to draw the sword with skill, and to fire in all attitudes, without winking or blinking.

[p189] To please you, ye lovely Cyprians, I have purposely avoided the regular form of Latin grammar and syntax, which must have been extremely disgusting to you. All mood and figure work abounding with well-turned periods and priscan purities, resemble too much a Mosaic pavement and Dutch garden, all cut out in squares, and divided geometrically; the regularity of which is offensive to the eye.

The reader will distinguish as great capability in my writings, as the celebrated Mr. Brown expressed on viewing wild, irregular featured land, which was to be laid out in pleasure gardens.⁷ Besides, too [p190] much attention to grammar would have so cramped my pen, that I could not have written with any degree of pleasure or satisfaction. I freely confess, that it is as painful a task for me to write and speak grammatically, as it would be to study walking by the rules of equilibrium. I have often, ye lovely Cyprians, though what infinite service and pleasure man would derive from being able to fly. As there are flying stage coaches, flying broad wheel wagons, flying artillery, and flying dillies, I am astonished that human ingenuity has not found out the art to enable man to fly, who is by so many hundred degrees lighter than the above machines, which all fly. I have often lamented that I was not born with wings. What service I could have rendered my country! No admiral or general could have served without my assistance; [p191] and when the rivers are frozen, I could carry dispatches to and from the continent. But the greatest of all satisfactions and pleasures would be flying in at your windows, ye lovely Fair, in a dark night, unobserved. On mature reflection, I am inclined to think that very few of you, however, would be benefited by my flying abilities; as from real charity and compassion I certainly should be induced to spend my time abroad, among the beautiful nuns in the convents, and the lovely fair Circassians locked up in the Eastern seraglios. our women have opportunities enough of meeting their lovers, as you well know, while those unfortunate women have no one to sympathize in their distresses. Then, what a gallant and charitable exploit it would be to fly away with one of the grand Turk's beautiful Circassian mistresses, carry her [p192] home to her friends, pass a few days with her; return and carry off another, and another, until the whole seraglio was cleared. This might be done by exercising precaution in my expeditions, and taking the advantage of a very dark night. The Mufti, when consulted by the enraged Sultaun, would for certain declare, that Mahomet had taken them into the third Heaven, and the father of the faithful would be satisfied.

Ye lovely Cyprians, I have ever submitted with the most perfect obedience to the laws of arrest in every shape, for two cogent reasons: first, for the sake of society, and also not without some degree of dread of entering into a correspondence with Thomas Tullis, Esq.⁸ for it would [p193] not be very agreeable to be troubled even with one single line from that gentleman; conscious that the wise, just, and pious legislators of our country could never suffer any law to exist, which they could not perfectly reconcile to their consciences, and which, when properly considered, was in the smallest degree oppressive. But, secondly, religious motives have induced me more implicitly to yield to law processes and expences for debt, as I find that the two great processes by which mankind is either stripped to his last coat and shirt, and every thing but what he has on his body, or is cast into prison, are both sanctioned by Scripture: for in reading St. Matthew, chap. v. verse the fortieth, you will find it written, "And if any man will sue thee at the law and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also." This undeniably [p194] is an absolute sanction for all actions at fieri facias, which attach all goods and wearing apparel. Again, to Matthew, chap. v, verses 25th and 26th, we read, "Agree with thine adversary (adversary certainly means an attorney) quickly whilst thou art in the way with him, lest at any time the adversary deliver thee to the judge, and the judge deliver thee to the officer, and thou be cast into prison." Here again we find a positive sanction for all cases which take the body in execution. By the above texts from Scripture, you will plainly observe, that the law in these days acts as progressively, step by step, as in the days of St. Matthew; for the lawyer (your adversary) first sends a bailiff to take you; he locks you up in a spunging-house; from thence you are committed to Newgate, which you may avoid, if you [p195] can afford it, by being removed by Habeas Corpus to the King's Bench. In the first case, (fieri facias,) I have been more than obedient to the letter of the Scriptural law; for, when the bailiffs came for my coat and cloak to my house, they also had my stockings, shoes, shirts, and breeches; to which I submitted with all humility; although it would have been very distressing to me, and a wonderful loss; for those very clothes would have been sold at public auction for a trifle when compared with their real value to me, as it would have cost me at least one hundred and fifty pounds to replace them, for a debt of forty-eight pounds; had they not perchance been given by the sheriff's officer to my friend Mr. Graham the auctioner, who generously paid the money for me, and preserved my clothes; for pay the debt I absolutely could not at that time, [p196] nor could I liquidate it for many months with my generous friend Graham. Here both the lawyer and Mr. Graham verified the Scriptures: but the world I trust will give the greater credit to the latter; for the lawyer, when I was helpless, took me in; but Mr. Graham, when I was naked, clothed me. I cannot help, but with a considerable degree of satisfaction and pleasure, remarking the very moderate costs on this action of forty-eight pounds, they not amounting to much above one-half of the original debt, which I think I may say, and I am certain was a bill given by me for twenty-six or thirty pounds, not exceeding that sum; for, in many suits that have been brought against me, I have often paid costs, amounting to within a trifle of the absolute original debt; of which I have given the reader some authentic specimens, [p197] where I have paid nearly one hundred per cent. costs of suit to the lawyer, and hardly ever less than fifty per cent.

What advantage is it to you, ye lovely Cyprians, if a man possesses the most transcendent abilities, and will not afford you his counsel and friendship? Mine are of a very inferior degree; but such as they are, I have given them to you spontaneously: nor have I made any conditions with you; yet, I must confess that it is not my intent to give you this advice gratis, nor have I pleaded your cause without a retaining fee: for I have long had the satisfaction of being the chamber counsel of many of you.

Let others plough the main in quest of [p198] gold, and ransack India's burning soil in search of gems; or brave the winged messenger of death, to grasp that phantom, Honour, in the tended field. My bark shall spread her swelling sails, and bear me to that happy isle, where reigns in loveliness attired the Paphian queen; then will I bend the knee and sacrifice with her sportive nymphs on Cytherea's altar, and pay due homage to the Queen of Love; for, to lovely woman, and nought but her on earth, will I pay homage.

Attentive as I have been to your interests in this world, yet I should be deficient in true regard to you, if I were to study only your temporal welfare and happiness. Life is but a span long; but I have employed every ability I am master of, to render your short passage through a world fraught with misery, as comfortable [p199] as the nature of things will admit.

Now, it is my serious and solemn advice, for the sake of your immortal part, to let your leisure hours be devoted to the Tabernacle, where, with due attention to the salutary admonitions of the disciples of the pious Doctor Squintum, you may speedily be regenerated, be received as babes of grace, and admitted to those feasts of pure seraphic love, where none but the truly penitent are admitted; and you may then defy the cloven-footed gentleman and all his works. It is not my practice to calumniate any one; but you know it to be true that he is a very scurvy, rascally acquaintance, who, if you continue any connection with him, will not leave you a rag -- no, not a single rag to your backs.

[p200] For the more speedy accomplishing your regeneration, you should pay attention also to the private lectures of the foot soldier in the guards, Swaddling John, and Captain Joyce, formerly a boatswain's mate on board a man of war; but, above all, I wish to draw your attention to the Work of the pious Doctor Huntington, intitled Huntingdon's Bank of Faith.

This pious divine was formerly a coal-heaver, afterwards a cobler, then a gardener. The inferior situations in life that he occupied can be no disparagement to him in your minds, for poverty and obscurity were his only faults; yet, in the most painful distress, he never deserted the service in which he was engaged. Let me entreat you to attend to this pious man's Work, his Bank of Faith; walk [p201] in the paths he has trodden, and have but the same faith which he tells you he ever had in the worst of times, and you will be sure to succeed and prosper. It will not be possible, then, you should ever want either food, raiment, or any other necessary, to make this transitory life comfortable.

You will observe, in perusing the extracts which I shall select from this pious Christian's works, how his faith was rewarded; for, although he never provided for his own sustenance or clothing, or that of his family or wife, and let the morrow ever provide for itself, the Power whom he served never failed to send him every requisite necessary for his support. When he was absolutely starving, he was suddenly furnished with partridges, rabbits, and money. When tired, he unexpectedly received a horse to ride on, and [p202] at the same time a tailor appeared to measure him for a pair of leathern breeches to defend his posteriors from excoriation on horseback, when, in his zealous exertions to preach the word of God, he had worn out his worsted small clothes, and exposed his shameful parts, (to use an expression of Mr. Burke,) to the ridicule of the unholy multitude.

His pious wife also, when she wanted a dish of tea, and had no money to purchase it, had but to order the maid to boil the kettle, and, before the water was thoroughly warm, some ministering angel sent her tea: all this she acquired by having faith. Be mindful, ye amiable Cyprians, that without faith you can have no hopes, and with perfect faith every thing may be obtained, as this pious Mr. Huntingdon has gravely and gratefully informed us.

[p203] If you but possess the same inward feeling, you need not despair of receiving, from the same beneficent hands, beef, mutton, tea, petticoats, and gin, which you, of course, prefer to such a washy vaporous beverage as tea.

I shall now request your attention to the following extracts from this pious Christian's Works: I wish to imprint them on your minds, that you may know what benefits may be derived on earth from true faith. The truth and assertions of this pious man, this spiritual shepherd, who gathereth together the sheep who have wandered away from the sheepfold, and fed on the wormwood and rue of vice and ungodliness, instead of the clover and cinque-foil of holiness, cannot be doubted. I command you, therefore, ye lovely Cyprians -- I command [p204] you by the sincere interest I take in your welfare, that you will not only study this pious man's Works, his Bank of Faith, but have faith -- aye, and faith in him, and in every thing he relates; for without it you cannot expect to be regenerated or saved.

Extracts from Huntington's Bank of Faith.

"As the life of faith consists in bearing the cross of Christ, we must not expect to be long without trials. -- Providence soon frowned on me again, and I got behind-hand as usual. This happened, too, at a time when my wife was lying-in, destitute of those necessaries of life which are needful at such times. -- The nurse came and told her there was no tea in the house. -- My wife replied, 'Set the kettle on, if there is not.' -- The nurse (whose name was Ann Webb, a daughter of mine in the faith, and the first soul [p205] that God called by me) said, 'You have no tea, nor can you get any.' -- My wife replied, 'Set on the kettle.' -- She did so; and, before it boiled, a woman (with whom at that time we had no acquaintance) came to the door, and told the nurse that she had brought some tea as a present for my wife. Thus God, who shewed Moses a stick to sweeten the waters of Marah, sent a little tea to bitter the water in my dame's kettle. Soon after my dame got over her lying in, tidings were brought to us that a gospel minister was coming down to Kingston to preach an evening lecture, and to break bread to the congregation. I had a great desire to go to the table, and also to have my child baptised at the same time: but, as I never could go from the Lord's table without offering my mite, and at this time had no money in my pocket, I did not go. However, I begged of God to send me a little money, some way or other, for this purpose; which I verily believed he would. So I waited till within half an hour of the time to go, and [p206] then began to think I should be disappointed: but, just as unbelief set me to murmuring and complaining, I heard a man ride up to my door as I was in my study at the back part of the house; and, when he rode away again, I called to my wife to get ready to go. 'Get ready!' said she, 'why you know we have no money!' -- 'Poh! poh!' said I, 'God has sent the money!' -- and true enough it was that God had sent it; for all the business the man had with us was to give us some money! Surely it was God that send him, and none else; for, if the hairs of our head are all numbered, we have reason to believe that our wants are; and if God keeps our hairs from falling to the ground, he certainly supplies our wants too. Thus the good God and Saviour, who made a fish produce money for an earthly tribute, sent the man with three shillings as an offering to God, and of his own we offered to him." P. 73 - 75.

"My year being now expired, I wanted [p207] a new parsonic livery; wherefore, in humble prayer, I told my most blessed Lord and Master that my year was out, and my apparel bad -- that I had no where to go for these things but to him; and, as he had promised to give his servants food and raiment, I hoped he would fulfil his promise to me, though one of the worst of them. Seeing no immediate signs of my livery coming, I began to omit praying for it; though God says, 'For all these things I will be inquired of by the house of Israel, that I may do these things for them.' It fell out one day that I called on a poor man, who complained that he could not attend the word of God for want of apparel. This drove me to pray again for my new suit of clothes, that I might give my old ones to him. A few days after this I was desired to call at a gentleman's house near London. Indeed it would be impressed on my mind for six weeks before, that God would use that gentleman as an instrument to furnish me with my next suit. And so it fell out; for, when I called [p208] on him, upon leaving his house he went a little way with me; and, while we were on the road, he said, 'I think you want a new suit of clothes.' I answered, 'Yes, Sir, I do; and I know a poor man that would be very glad of this which I have on, if my Master would furnish me with another.' When we parted, he desired me to call on him the next morning, which I accordingly did, when he sent a tailor into the room, and generously told me to be measured for what clothes I chose, and a great coat also. When I got the new, I furnished the poor man with my old suit. This was the fourth suit of apparel that my Master gave me in his providential manner, in answer to the prayer of faith. Thus God, who kept Israel's clothes from waxing old, though in constant use for forty years, gave me a new suit every year." P. 79, 80.

"I now preached at London, at Richmond, at Cobham, at Wooking, At Worplesdon, and at Farnham in Surrey. This I [p209] found too much for my strength. However, I continued for a considerable time, till at last I was generally laid up sick about once a month. I found I had great need of a horse; but feared I should not be able to keep it, if I had one. However, it happened that I had a very severe week's work to do; I was to go to Wooking and preach on the Lord's day morning, to Worplesdon in the afternoon, and from thence to Farnham in the evening; to preach at Petworth in Sussex on the Monday, at Horsham on the Tuesday, at Margaret-street chapel on the Wednesday, and at Ditton on the Thursday, evening: but before I could reach Ditton on the Wednesday, I was so far spent that I thought I must have lain down on the road; yet, with much difficulty, I reached home, and then I had to go to London. Finding myself wholly unable to perform all this labour, I went to prayer, and besought God to give me more strength, less work, or a horse. I used my prayers as gunners use their swivels, turning them every way as [p210] the various cases required. I then hired a horse to ride to town; and, when I came there, went to put him up at Mr. Jackson's livery-stables, near the chapel, in Margaret-street; but the ostler told me they had not room to take him in. I asked if his master was in the yard. He said, Yes. I desired to see him; and he told me he could not take the horse in. I was then going out of the yard, when he stepped after me, and asked if I was the person that preached at Margaret-street chapel. I told him I was. He burst into tears, saying, he would send one of his own horses out and take mine in; and informed me of his coming one night to hear me out of curiosity, because he had been informed that I had been a coal-heaver. He then told me that, under the first sermon, God shewed him the insufficiency of his own wretched righteousness -- the carnality and hypocrisy of his religion -- the true state of his soul -- and the necessity of the spirit and grace of Christ Jesus the Lord to change his heart if ever he was saved; and [p211] blessed God for sending me there. This was good news to me. He also said that some of my friends had been gathering money to buy me a horse, and that he gave something towards him. Directly after, I found the horse was bought and paid for; and one person gave me a guinea to buy a bridle, another gave me two whips, a third gave me somethings necessary for the stable, another trusted me for a saddle -- and here was a full answer to my prayer: so I mounted my horse and rode home, and he turned out as good an animal as ever was rode. I believe this horse was the gift of God, because he tell me in his word that all the beasts of the forest are his, and so are the cattle on the thousand hills. I have often thought that, if my horse could have spoken, he would have had more to say than Balaam's ass; as he might have said, 'I am an answer to my master's prayers -- I live by my master's faith, travel with mysteries, and suffer persecution, but I do not know for what." P. 83 - 85.

[p212] "Having now had my horse for some time, and riding a great deal every week, I soon wore my breeches out, as they were not fit to ride in. I hope the reader will excuse my mentioning the word breeches, which I should have avoided, had not this passage of scripture obtruded into my mind, just as I had resolved in my own thoughts not to mention this kind providence of God. -- 'And thou shalt make them linen breeches to cover their nakedness; from the loins even unto the thighs shall they reach. And they shall be upon Aaron and upon his sons when they come into the tabernacle of the congregation, or when they come near unto the altar to minister in the holy place; that they bear not iniquity, and die. It shall be a statute for ever unto him and his seed after him.' Exod. xxviii. 42, 43. By which, and three others, (namely, Ezek. xliv. 18; Lev. vi. 10; and Lev. xvi. 4.) I saw that it was no crime to mention the word breeches, nor the way in which God sent them to me; Aaron and his sons being clothed entirely [p213] by Providence; and as God himself condescended to give orders what they should be made of, and how they should be cut. And I believe the same God ordered mine, as I trust it will appear in the following history.

"The scripture tells us to call no man master, for one is our master, even Christ. I therefore told my most bountiful and ever-adored Master what I wanted; and he, who stripp'd Adam and Eve of their fig-leaved aprons, and made coats of skins and clothed them; and who clothes the grass of the field, which to-day is and to-morrow is cast into the oven; must clothe us, or we shall soon go naked: -- and so Israel found it, when God took away his wool and his flax, which he gave to cover their nakedness, and which they prepared for Baal; for which iniquity were their skirts discovered, and their heels made bare. Jer. xiii. 22.

"I often made very free in my prayers with my invaluable Master for this favour; [p214] but he still kept me so amazingly poor that I could not get them at any rate. At last I was determined to go to a friend of mine at Kingston, who is of that branch of business, to bespeak a pair, and to get him to trust me until my Master sent me money to pay him. I was that day going to London, fully determined to bespeak them as I rode through the town. However, when I passed the shop, I forgot it; but when I came to London, I called on Mr. Croucher, a shoemaker in Shepherd's Market, who told me a parcel was left there for me, but what it was he knew not. I opened it, and behold there was a pair of leather breeches, with a note in them! the substance of which was, to the best of my remembrance, as follows:

'Sir,
'I have sent you a pair of breeches, and hope they will fit. I beg your acceptance of them; and if they want any alteration, leave in a note what the alteration is, and I will call in a few days and alter them.

J.S.'                          

[p215] "I tried them on, and they fitted as well as if I had been measured for them: at which I was amazed, having never been measured by any leather breeches-maker in London. I wrote an answer to the note, to this effect:

'Sir,
'I received your present, and thank you for it. I was going to order a pair of leather breeches to be made, because I did not know till now that my Master had bespoken them of you. They fit very well, which fully convinces me that the same God, who moved thy heart to give, guided thy hand to cut; because he perfectly knows my size, having clothed me in a miraculous manner for near five years. When you are in trouble, Sir, I hope you will tell my master of this, and what you have done for me, and he will repay you with honour.'

"This is as near as I am able to relate it; and I added,

'I cannot make out I.S. unless I put I. [p216] for Israelite indeed, and S. for Sincerity; because you do not sound a trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do.'

"About that time twelvemonth I got another pair of breeches in the same extraordinary manner, without my ever being measured for them." P. 85 - 88.

"One providence I had almost forgot. We were at that time very badly off for beds and bedding; my children were no better provided than the Saviour when he laid in a manger, for they slept upon bags of hay: but prayer at a long run brought in these things also. Some of my most intimate acquaintances knew how I was tried in this respect, though I never made it known to any body who was capable of helping me out of my trouble. But one night, after I had done preaching at Richmond, a person invited me home to his house, and shewed me a large bundle tied up, saying it was for me. I asked who the donor was; he replied, [p217] 'You are not to know that.' I carried it home, when, lo! it proved to be bedding, and the very things I stood so much in need of!" P. 91

"Perceiving that the Lord approved of a bold, though not of a presumptuous beggar, agreeable to his word, 'Let us come boldly unto the throne of grace,' &c. I boldly asked him the favour, I boldly asked him the favour, and persevered in it, until I was one day informed by a friend that four or five pious people were coming on such a day from London to visit me. Then my faith told me I should soon have the bed. Accordingly they came, and we had some comfortable conversation together. Toward evening they departed, giving me four guineas. O! what Christian in his right mind would murmur and complain at his poverty, when, with a watchful eye, he sees such liberal supplies poured forth from the inexhaustible stores of Providence! Thus God, who provided a comfortable lodging for Elisha the prophet, provided me 'a bed, a [p218] table, a stool, and a candlestick.' 2 Kings iv. 10.

"I was determined to keep this money for a bed; and therefore went to a good man in London, and bespoke one; which he very soon sent me, with a rug also, and a pair of very good blankets. Soon after I called to pay him for it; when he told me to pay his clerk, who gave me a receipt for the same; but afterwards the gentleman went a little way with me, and at his departure gave me all the money back again. How sweet are temporal mercies, when received by those who are under the influence of grace! when they are seen to come from a covenant with God and Father, in answer to the simple prayer of faith." P. 92, 93.

"But when I got about half over the common, it came suddenly into my mind to go out of the horse-road into a little narrow track, which leads over the hills, between the Hand-post and the Bath-house. I [p219] could gain but very little ground by this, nor do I remember that I had ever gone that way before; but I soon found what this impression meant; for there was to be a battle fought between a stoat, or weasel, and a large rabbit. The stoat, or weasel, was to fight the battle and to win the field, and I was to take the prey. So I took up my rabbit, and gladly carried him home; and it proved as fine a one as I ever saw, being quite in season, in every sense of the word, for we had nothing but bread in the house.

"This occurrence happened before I received the horse. But I cannot recollect every circumstance so as to range it in its proper place, my memory being naturally bad. I lived in this manner for seven or eight years together, and every day afforded some providence or trial.

"My dame about this time was pregnant, and not far from her lying-in. She gave me a large catalogue of the necessaries that she [p220] should want against that time. I told her I had no money, nor was there any signs of my having any, and we could not get them without. She went on in suspense this way, till she expected her time every day, and began at last to fret amazingly. I told her I thought that God tried her thus, because she was remiss in the blessed privilege of private prayer. I also remarked to her, that God would be inquired of by us, that he might do these things for us, and that, if she did not pray for them, she was not like to have them. I believe this drove my dame to prayer; for soon after this there was a parcel sent from Lambeth, another from Kingston, another from Richmond, and a few things from some neighbours nearer home. I now asked the old woman if she thought she had got enough. She tried, 'Yes, and more than enough.' -- God had exceeded all her desires; for she had feared that should not get money to buy the stuff to make up her little things; and that, if she did get it, it would have been so late that she should not have [p221] had time to make them: 'but God,' said she, 'has sent them ready-made.' So Mary was very well pleased, and richly supplied. -- And I think, for three or four births successively, the Almighty raised up one Dorcas here, and another there, to provide for my dame against her lying-in." P. 110, 111.

"At another time, when Providence had been exercising my faith and patience till the cupboard was quite empty, in answer to simply prayer he sent one of the largest hams I have ever saw. Indeed I saw clearly that I had nothing to do but to pray, to study, and to preach; for God took care for me, and my family also, agreeable to his own promise." P. 125.

"After I had preached there a few times, it came to pass one evening, when I had finished my sermon, that a person came to inform me that a woman (who was lately taken very ill, and was apparently near death) desired to see me. I accordingly [p222] went; and, when I came to her bedside, asked her if she had sent for me. She replied, 'Yes.' I asked her what she had sent for me to do. She said, to pray by her. I asked her what I was to pray for -- that she might be raised up again? She replied, 'No; pray God to give resignation to his will, and that he may not depart from me.' I asked her if she was sure the Lord was with her. She said, 'Yes.' She now gave me a very sweet account of the operations of the Holy Ghost, and of the precious liberty which he proclaimed by the revelation and application of Christ crucified to her understanding, mind, and conscience. These tidings made my bowels yearn. O! the conversion of such souls are greater riches to me than all the treasures of Egypt! God in mercy soon after raised her up again; and she attended my ministry for about two years, appearing a most amiable Christian. She always sat with her head down, and heard me with all the attention imaginable; and, when she had got her portion, like Hannah, [p223] she would set off without either looking or speaking to any body, as if she suspected every one that spoke to her to be a robber of her conscience. Indeed she was no bastard -- she was my own daughter -- she loved a private religion, that lay between Christ crucified and her own conscience; and I believe she kept her day-book very strictly. Her name is Stuart. I dearly loved her foul in the bowels of Christ, as I had begotten her, and had sorely travailed for her." P. 143 - 145.

"A good gentleman, with whom I had but little acquaintance, and of whom I bought a load of timber, sent it me in with a bill and receipt in full, as a present to the Chapel of Providence. -- Another good man came with tears in his eyes, and blessed me, and desired to paint my pulpit, desk, &c. as a present to the chapel. -- Another person gave half a dozen chairs for the vestry; and my friends, Mr. and Mrs. Lyon, furnished me with a tea-chest well stored, and a set of [p224] china. -- My good friends Mr. and Mrs. Smith furnished me with a very handsome bed, bedstead, and all its furniture and necessaries, that I might not be under the necessity of walking home in the cold winter nights. -- A daughter of mine in the faith gave me a looking-glass for my chapel study. -- Another friend gave me a my pulpit-cushion, and a book-case for my study. -- Another gave me a book-case for the vestry. -- And my good friend Mr. E. seemed to level all his displeasure at the devil; for her was in hopes I should be enabled, through the gracious arm of the Lord, to cut Rahab in pieces; therefore he furnished me with a sword of the Spirit -- a new Bible, with Morocco binding and silver clasps." P. 148, 149.

"However, the Almighty condescended to stop the rapid spreading of this disease by a singular circumstance. I received the following note from an unknown friend:

'Mr. Anti-Arminius's free-grace love to [p225] Mr. Huntington, begs his acceptance of a dish of dead men's brains; he believes most of them are of the evangelical family: they will be with him in a day or two: he is desired to ask no questions of the bearers.
'Dead-man's Place,' &c.

"What these dead men's brains were, I could not conjecture; but suspected something to be sent by way of contempt, as the doctrine which God hath taught me are point black against Arminianism. Howbeit, in a day or two the dead men's brains arrived in a very large packing-case, brought by two chairmen; which I at first refused to take in, suspecting an Arminian cheat; however, I opened the wood the wooden scull, examined the brains, and found them to be three or four hundred volumes of divinity, geography, history, &c.

"A few days afterwards, he was pleased to send me another dish of brains, or a second course; which he informed me, by [p226] note, consisting of some good and some bad; and so I found them: for, among others, were the tracts of the irreverent Dr. Priestley, clothed in a suit of red Morocco embroidered with gold. I had not read much of him before his priestly craft greatly disgusted me. I stripped him out of his coat of many colours, and served it as, I think, Christ will serve the author; that is, I cut it asunder, and appointed it a portion in the fire, as the Lord will do with all hypocrites and unbelievers. I confess I was much displeased to find some precious old authors, who were administering comfort to the people of God, with nothing but a sheep's-skin jacket about them; while the Doctor, that sworn enemy of the God of armies, (busy in undermining and destroying that comfort,) was strutting about with an embroidered uniform! 'Ah, Doctor!' thought I, 'I will put this scarlet suit on one of these old warriors who have been good soldiers of Jesus Christ; they shall walk in embroidery, for they are worthy.' There were a few more [p227] sly hypocrites crept in among them, to whom I gave house-room until I found them out, when I sent them bag and baggage after the Doctor." P. 157, 158.

"Reader, I could have mentioned many more blessings which came to me in a way of providence; but as I have recited, perhaps, too many of them already, I have here given thee only a few fathoms of heavenly meditation, with which the God of all grace enabled me to sound this mystery in a fit of sickness that befell me at Thames Ditton. Then it was that I received the greatest part of this consistent chain; the links of which kept every faculty of my soul, and every thought of my heart, so delightful and entertaining, that I sat down a most willing, submissive, and delighted captive, at the foot of my prevailing lover and almighty conqueror." P. 172.

-----------------------

The above extracts, which I have taken from the righteous book, written [p228] by that pious coal-heaver, cobler, and divine, Doctor Huntington, intitled Huntington's Bank of Faith, I most cordially recommend to your attention, ye lovely Cyprians! By them you will be taught how to wrestle with Heaven; but remember, you must use your prayers as gunners use their swivels,⁹ turning them every way as your various cases require, or they will have but little effect; and you must positively leave off dancing, for that, he informs you, in page 27 and 28 of his pious book, "is just as serviceable a net to ruin souls as devils could invent." Observe, when you pray for any thing in which you are considerably interested, that you go under a hedge to pray, cut a stick half through, bend it [p229] down, come back, look at it, and praise God if the favour you ask is granted. At another time you must go into your tool-house in the garden, and wrestle hard with God. This pious man never prayed for any thing but he informs you the Lord sent it him. The Lord killed carps, eels, partridges and rabbits for him, to feed his children with. When he had nothing left to eat, nor any money to buy any victuals, the Lord took away his appetite for three or four days. And at another time, when he knew there was no food in the house, he looked in the cupboard, and found that his heavenly master had sent him a large ham. His prayers are so substantially efficacious, that whatever he requests by prayer is sent to him; not only clothes of every sort for him and his wife, but even the minutest articles of life, such as bedding, stools, candlesticks, [p230] whips, looking-glasses, tables, tea, sugar, &c. &c. But, above all, I charge you, ye lovely Cyprians! be mindful how he got his leathern breeches, as it must give you great satisfaction. If you can be as well fitted for a pair as this pious coal-heaver, cobler, and divine was, without any tailor taking measure of you, your modesty will never be put to the blush. Now I cannot see any reason whatever why you should not obtain all the various benefits, gifts, and advantages which were granted to this pious coal-heaver and cobler, provided you have equal faith with him; for without faith nothing is to be obtained.

I have given you, ye lovely Cyprians, every instruction in my power for the happiness of your souls and bodies in this world; and, to secure it in both instances, you cannot do better than follow [p231] the precepts laid down by this righteous coal-heaver and cobler, in his book intitled, Huntington's Bank of Faith. If you, ye lovely Cyprians, have but equal faith with his pious man, every thing in life, that you could possible desire to have, you are plainly shewn how to obtain, excepting gin; and as I do not recollect, in any part of this enlightened and pious work, mention being made of his ever having obtained that wholesome liquor either by faith or prayer, I confess I am at a loss how to instruct you relative to the acquiring of this liquor, except by purchase. However, should you, by the means which he employed, obtain a superfluity of clothes, our father's brother¹⁰ will always indulge you with the loan of a trifle on a pledge; and as this liquor is so salutary [p232] and conducive to your health as well as to your happiness, every exertion must be used to obtain it; therefore, mind the directions this pious man gives how you are to obtain any thing you most ardently wish for: be mindful, then, to wrestle hard, and turn your prayers in every direction as gunners turn their swivels. This direction, strictly observed, will, when you are once brought to believe it, obtain every thing you wish an -- excellent and useful endowment which this pious coal-heaver and cobler was blessed with; and if you, ye lovely Cyprians, can but arrive at the same proficiency, you will find it of the greatest advantage. It will prevent your passing many unhappy hours when the green-eye'd monster inflames your heart. Whenever this pious man's wife went to glean in the harvest-fields, not informing him by any means [p233] which way she intended to go, his piety taught him to go directly straight to the place where she was; which was equally the same, he informs you, whether she had gone north, south, east, or west. Now, if, by faith, wrestling hard, and throwing your prayers in every direction as gunners turn their swivels, and by leaving off dancing, (for that he positively forbids as a deadly sin,) you can arrive at the same perfection in finding any person you immediately wish to see, you will be the happiest mortals on earth; for, if the captain or your flashman should ever go astray, you will immediately know on what part of the town to dash after him, and be enabled to take vengeance on your rival's countenance. If you find him paying his court to another female, the gay deceiver can have nothing to plead in excuse, [p234] and you will get rid of a gentleman who, at the best of times, is but a troublesome guest. Make yourselves, therefore, I entreat you, perfect mistresses of this pious man's writings, and treat in his paths with unerring attention: after which you may study two other pious Works, Bunyan's Shove to a Heavy-breeched Christian, and Heaven taken by Storm by a Repentant Sinner; with the assistance of these two, in addition to the pious Huntington's Bank of Faith, you must shortly get into the high road to heaven, from which if you ever wander, "the devil himself (to use his expression) must be within your bodies, and Rahab have full possession of your soul."

Be mindful that you constantly frequent the Tabernacle, in preference to the Church of your established religion, and in [p235] preference to the rational sermons preached by bishops, deans, and other dignified clergymen of the established Church of England: seek far and wide the pious and instructive harangues of the following enlightened and righteous men, who all serve in the bowels of Christ,¹¹ whether they deliver their pious instructions and exhortations to repentance and faith either in tub or pulpit, in tabernacle, or in the high-ways, in a cart, or from an hay-cock:

The wisdom, science, education, and learning of the clergy of our established Church, can by no means be put in competition with the superior talents and abilities of the above-named pious, learned, and scientific disciples of Methodism,¹² who, to use the pious Huntington's expressions, serve in the bowels of Christ; for they, as the righteous coal-heaver and cobler mentions, can fill you with as much religion as you can well carry away; and besides, can teach you also how to barter [p237] in old clothes, to grind, to deal in sheep's heads (commonly called Field-lane ducks), to paint a coach, to press, to mangle, to mend windows, to wait at table and at tea, to draw teeth, make periwigs, and bleed, and to make breeches. Pardon me, ye lovely Cyprians! for using the word breeches: and it is my duty, having the example set me by the pious Huntington, to apologize for using that indelicate word; I ought to have said -- inexpressibles. Now all these accomplishments you may turn considerably to your advantage in life: I conjure you, therefore, attend strictly to these enlightened, pious, and learned preachers.

Having performed my duty to you, ye lovely Cyprians, in endeavouring to provide for all the happiness of which your [p238] natures are really susceptible, I am of opinion that I cannot express myself more to your satisfaction, or to my own, especially as I have lately commenced the trade of coal-merchant, than by adapting the words of the super-excellent Huntington, which are attached to the Dedication of his Bank of Faith. "I thank thee, Christian; but beseech thee not to put any titles or compliments upon me: give them to those who can make a meal of it. -- Coal-heaving is hard work; and coal-heavers, and, I might add, coal-merchants, require better food than fine speeches, windy words, and airy compliments.

For the pains I have taken to correct the immorality and Jacobinism of the age, I trust the bishops (as a reward for [p239] my laudable endeavours to promote religion, strengthen the Christian faith, and suppress immorality,) will at least order 1000 copies of this work to be purchased, and distributed amongst the poor clergy, who cannot afford, though ever so desirous, of purchasing a book so fraught with morality and the purest precepts.

And you, ye lovely Cyprians, and fair sex in general, will, I trust, be liberal in your recommendations of these volumes, after the pains I have taken to instruct you how to practise the cardinal virtues, and the attention I have paid not only to the happiness of your bodies in this life, but to the peace of your souls in another to come; together with the attention I have manifested to your health, in recommending a general and constant use of that wholesome and cheap beverage called gin. If certain ladies of fashion will but lay [p240] aside their cordial stomachic strong waters for plain gin, by which their healths will be benefited, and the lovely Cyprians will leave off drinking brandy, rum, raspberry, and cherry-bounce, and stick to royal gin, and gin only, so peculiarly salutary to their health, it is reasonable to expect that the consumption of that liquor will increase at least one-third -- then I trust I shall experience more gratitude from the distillers of that liquor than my friend Dr. Moseley has from the West-India planters and merchants for having published those excellent treatises on the salubrity and utility of coffee and sugar, which has been productive of such advantages to their trade as to increase the consumption in a very considerable degree.¹³ For the truth of this I appeal to [p241] the historian of the West Indies, Bryan Edwards. But great men, when their turn is served, think but little of us inferior mortals.

Continue...

Notes:

¹ Soon after the beginning of this war, two old maiden-ladies received the pay of subalterns in the army for a considerable time.[ back ]

² A Cacadaemone sublatum fuisse. [ back ]

³ For mill doll, vide the Dictionary of the Slang Language. [ back ]

⁴ This was written in 1798, long before the expedition to the Helder; all officers on that service are fairly exempted. [ back ]

⁵ A dickey is a short flannel petticoat, reaching down below the knee. [ back ]

⁶ Doctor Kentish's Treatise on the Use of the Guillotine. [ back ]

⁷ Mr. Brown, eminently distinguished for layout out and improving pleasure ground, when he found he could beautify a park or pleasure garden, said, "There was great capability in the ground." From which expression he acquired the nick-name of Capability Brown. [ back ]

⁸ The hangman, vulgarly called Jack Ketch. [ back ]

⁹ Vide Huntington's expressions, page 83, in his Bank of Faith. [ back ]

¹⁰ Our uncle. [ back ]

¹¹ Vide Huntington's Subscription to the Dedication of his Bank of Faith. [ back ]

¹² The above are the names and professions selected out of 397 persons who took out sixpenny preaching-licences, at the Session-house, Clerkenwell, in the year 1796-7, taken from The Rise and Dissolution of the Infidel Societies. By W. Hamilton Reid. [ back ]

¹³ Three treatises published by Dr. Moseley, namely, Moseley on Tropical Diseases; Moseley on Coffee; and Moseley on Sugar -- not only shew the extensive professional knowledge of the physician, but the philosophy, the philanthropy, and erudition of the scholar, and the urbanity of the gentleman. [ back ]