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Advice to Bishops and Legislators, how to correct the Immorality and Jacobinism of the Age.

[p75] IT is a pity that so worthy a man as Mr. Brothers the prophet, and Prince of the Hebrews, should be shut up and confined in a mad-house! The poor man is no more mad than I am: he is only, like myself, a little flighty in his imaginations; and his favourite topics, like mine, are religion and morality, in which surely we are both worthy of praise. His influence with the populace might be turned to advantage in these times; for many had so great a reverence and respect for [p76] him as to kiss the skirts of his coat when he was taken up and took his leave of the public. It is a pity they did not go a little higher when they were about it. Besides, he might be made useful, and brought over at a cheap rate; for I do not think he would have the assurance to rate his abilities at any thing like thirty-seven thousand pounds, which others have done; not that I mean to suggest it being more than equivalent to their superior talents. Though only Prince of the Hebrews, he could not have the confidence to demand one-tenth part of that sum. His prophecies would be of infinite service; they would act as a tub which amuses the whale, and enables the state-pilot to steer his vessel without interruption. An Elizabeth Canning, a Cock-lane ghost, or a Prophet, when moved by able hands, may be made of the greatest service to [p77] Government, by drawing off the impertinent curiosity and attention of the People to the management of State affairs.

The price of bread might be greatly lowered, if a proper attention were paid to the consumption of meat, particularly in the city of London. A pound of meat is sufficient for any gentleman, or reputable tradesman, for dinner, who does not labour: for those who work hard, one pound and a half is fully sufficient. I would have every man punished with one day's labour on the highways, or paving the street, or erecting fortifications to protect our country, who dared to exceed the above-mentioned allowance. Such a regulation would be beneficial to agriculture, and tend to bring down the price of corn; as, the consumption of butcher's meant being thus diminished, more corn [p78] would be sown, and less attention paid to pasture lands, which would be of considerable advantage to the poor in reducing the price of bread, which is the staff of life; for much animal food is destructive of health, and generates many diseases, and particularly the gout: the citizens of London would become more active, and their bellies in time be reduced to a moderate size, much to their own benefit and the comfort of their wives.

The health, &c. of the citizens might be considerably expedited by a proper regulation of the quantity of liquor drank in the day, as nothing increases the protuberance of the belly so much as liquor. The belly might as well be excised as many other things, and put under the inspection of the revenue-officers: and I make no doubt but that some ingenious [p79] mechanic would invent an instrument to gauge the stomach and abdominal cavities to as great a nicety as any other tub of vessel.

The country would derive a considerable additional advantage from the Lord Mayor, Aldermen, and Common Council; for, if they would not abstain from feasting to excess, the State would be benefited at least by their labour: we should then see no more unwieldy aldermen sweltring and rolling along Cornhill to the 'Change, moving no faster than landcrabs; but they would come bounding along like nimble deer, to which indeed they now are as unlike, except about the head, as the antelope and the elephant. Their wives, instead of frowning at the assemblies at Haberdashers' Hall, on the approach of their bulky husbands, [p80] would receive them with simpers and with smiles. What an alteration of diminution of bellies would create in the city, where the women are so continually and grossly employed in reproaching their husbands with gormandising and gluttony.

Were these salutary rules enforced, the citizens would not only be benefited in their health, but also in domestic happiness; for, with the diminution of the belly, we should perceive a visible decrease of the brow-antlers, and honest men¹ would be seen only at the west end of the town, where belly or no belly makes no difference; for, if a man keep himself as lank and sleek as a greyhound dog for a race, it will not insure him a smooth forehead, [p81] in the parishes of St. James's, St. George's, St. Mary-la-bonne, and St. John's, Westminster.

It is, as I have before observed, the height of all human wickedness to think carnally of woman in any other respect than for the purpose of obeying the command of increase and multiply; and it is for this purpose, and this alone, that certain desires are implanted in our frame. If we exceed this original design, we act in direct contradiction to the designs of Providence, which gave us the means of gratification, but has made it our duty also to consist in using moderation in all things; and to apply all our faculties to answer the immediate ends for which they were given us. The contrary of this is not only considered as a very heinous offence by me, but also by the religious fathers and moralists [p82] in more former and more pious ages, as related by Athanasius Vincentius in his Notes on Theoph. Aletheus, who was of opinion, that "scortatio cum propria uxore committi potest, cum non liberorum quaerendorum causa, sed ad explendam libidinem, vel cum praegnante aut lactante res habetur." Young married women also should live recluse for a certain time after marriage, and not be even permitted to appear in public: but instead of this, in open defiance of all modesty, they frequently consummate the marriage in inns and public places, and come down to breakfast the next morning, and appear in all the public circles as unembarrassed as if nothing had happened, and as unconcerned as if they had only undergone the operation of phlebotomy in the arm for a slight cold. Here I must take the opportunity of paying a [p83] due tribute of praise to the superior delicacy and modesty of the Jewish nation, who rigidly observe a custom highly deserving the imitation of Christians. They separate themselves from their wives the day after consummation, for fifteen days and nights, during which period the bride is consigned to the care of her female relations. For my own part, I am free to acknowledge, though not overburthened with any mauvaise honte, nor particularly squeamish, I have never witnessed a scene of this nature without my modesty having suffered a considerable shock.

If the Earl Marshall of these days was compelled to do his duty at the court, which his predecessors in distant reigns so strictly attended to, which was no less than to shave all prostitutes that might be [p84] found within the royal purlieus, we might expect shortly a very considerable amendment in the virtue of our females, or at least the satisfaction of knowing that the immodest would be disgraced and punished. The present Earl Marshal cannot surely refuse to revive an ancient ceremony, which would contribute so much to the destruction of the immorality and Jacobinism of this sinful age.

With pain I am compelled to observe, that men and women too frequently go to church for wicked purposes, and not for the sake of prayers or preaching. The impiety and Jacobinism is so great, that men even at church cannot keep their eyes off the women; and the women are equally in their turn as culpable: such ogling and peeping through fans at their sweethearts, as is frequently practised, is [p85] highly to be censured by every chaste and pious Christian. All these unhallowed practices can, as they ought, be very easily prevented. The men and women should be compelled to sit on different sides of the church: the women should also be secreted from public view by green blinds, as the girls are at the Magdalen: they then would have nothing to divert their attention from the devout office in which they are engaged. They should not also be permitted to go out at the same door with the men; and if there be but one door to the church, the women should pass out first, and the men some time after them. But at present, there is such crowding and squeezing after service, particularly at evening service, that it is impossible for the most watchful matron to prevent a young lady from receiving, en passant, a billet doux, or [p86] enjoying a tender squeeze. All this may be seen and felt in the utmost perfection in the chapel of the Magdalen Hospital every Sunday evening.

Too little attention in general is paid to the sermon; some even fall asleep, to the great scandal of all pious people. -- However long, tedious, dull, or unintelligible a sermon may be, there is no excuse to be framed for such scandalous neglect and inattention to public devotion. This may very easily be prevented, as there is hardly any church now, that is not frequented by some military corps. The drummers and trumpeters [p87] should be ordered to attend with their drums and trumpets, and, on the priest giving the signal, at the end of every long sentence or full stop, the drummers might give a ruffle for a few seconds, or the trumpeters sound an alarm: by these means, the congregation would be kept alert and attentive to the instructions of the clergyman. It would also give him time to take breath, or take some refreshment out of a bottle, which may be easily concealed in his white handkerchief: it would recruit his spirits, and give him fresh strength to continue his pious admonitions, which is a very fatiguing duty when a man exerts himself with the energy that his office requires.

Far is it from my intent to degrandize² any part of our clergy, as I am [p88] of opinion they should all, according to their different stations, be enabled to keep up a sufficient degree of figure and appearance suitable to their dignity and calling. For, although St. John's food was locusts and wild honey, and his raiment of camel's hair, that is, the skin of a camel, it would shock any reflecting man to see a bishop ranging the fields for his daily food. John the Baptist must have been quite different from our priests, who, when they pray for their daily bread, I am apt to think, frequently include something more than the sexton thinks of. Yet if I can, without lowering the dignity or decreasing the revenues of the clergy, increase their influence and authority, and at the same time alleviate the burthens and suppress the complaints of their parishioners, by pointing out a new mode of tribute to [p89] the church, reciprocally advantageous to both parties; I may hope to receive the blessing and thanks both of the clergy and the laity.

The great tithes, both to the clergy and others, are paid with no small degree of reluctance. But the smaller, such as pigs, poultry, eggs, and milk, are complained of bitterly and naturally, because this tribute is collected from the lower classes of the people. I therefore propose, that, in lieu of pigs, poultry, eggs, and milk, the clergyman in every parish be permitted to take every tenth child, both from the rich and the poor. The rich man, who can maintain his children, can equally afford to pay a fine if he chooses to retain his children; while the poor man, who cannot afford to maintain his children, will be happy in seeing them [p90] put to such good uses as I shall shortly enumerate. The children in each parish may be classed and drawn for by lots, as the horses are for the supplementary cavalry. When they are quite young, the clergyman must be permitted to let them out by the week to beggar women, who haunt the streets or travel the country, to excite the charity of the humane and compassionate.³ When they are got to be six or seven years old, or upwards, they may be let to farmers to keep sheep on a common, or fetch the cows home, or to go of errands and other useful purposes.

When the male children arrive at the age of fourteen, the clergyman may then sell them for fifteen pounds per head to the [p91] recruiting sergeants: there will be no necessity to give these boys any hand-money for enlisting; and as only three pounds is stopped to provide the recruit with necessaries, there will be a clear profit of twelve pounds to the clergyman, except a crown bowl of punch to the sergeant; and the parson will have also no objection, I dare say, to smoke his pipe and partake of it. This will be an immense source of revenue to the clergy, and advantage to the country at large; for, according to the reports of our annual birth of male children, our army will never want recruits, and be kept complete.

The clergy should also adopt some tribute in lieu of the small tithes; as they cannot but perceive that the profits derived from them are comparatively small, and so very unpopular, that it is like the [p92] devil shearing his hogs, where there is more outcry than wool. The simile may be said to run on all-fours, since the celebrated Burke has represented the common people as a swinish multitude.

Considerable fault will be found with, and many objections made to, my method of providing for the children of the poor; and I shall certainly be condemned by all the pious old women, by all the promoters of public Sunday-schools, and by all the schoolmasters in Great Britain. They will say, how shocking it will be not to have the poor children taught to write and read, without which they will be little better than heathens, and incapable of being instructed in the Christian faith! But I say it is no such thing; and, what is more, I will prove it. Reading only enables them to study seditious and bad [p93] books; and a knowledge of writing and accounts has brought many a man to the gallows, who otherwise would have lived a useful member to the community. When I was a boy, I remember well no servant in my father's family could write or read, except the butler and the housekeeper: and I am certain not one of the swinish multitude in the parish ever know one single letter in the alphabet: and it will be allowed, I am certain, that the churches were as much frequented, and the people as religious in those days as they are now. And although there was some Jacobitism, there was no such thing as Jacobitism, or French principles, to be dreaded in the whole country. Without being able to read, they repeated the prayers after the clergyman and clerk, knelt down, stood up, turned round, and bowed, just as well as they do now: [p94] though, perhaps, they do not perform the latter ceremony of the bow with as much grace as in this accomplished age, in which every footman and servant-maid learns to dance. To those who disapprove of my beneficial method of providing for the children of the poor, I will reply, that it is as dangerous to the state to instruct, and enlighten by education, the swinish multitude, as it is dangerous to a farmer to take the rings out of his pigs' noses, and turn them into a field of potatoes.

Having thus plainly proved that my system of providing for the children of the poor will not only be advantageous to the clergy, but also of infinite service to the body politic and military strength of the state, I am in hopes that the Legislature will take it into their most serious [p95] consideration. And as the clergy already enjoy a handsome part of the whole fruits of the earth and labour of man, and a tenth part also of the brute creation, I can see no reason why they should be debarred from the tithing of the human species, as a commutation for the smaller tithes, when it will be attended with such beneficial advantages to the nation at large.

In addition to the foregoing advantages, the clergy might draw some further profit, and the parishes be much relieved, if there are any blind men in their parishes. They are much sought after by beggar-women, and are even preferred to children, and will let out at hire, by the week, at a more advanced price, as the following scene will prove, which passed between two beggar-women very lately [p96] in Covent-garden. One was leading a blind man, and the other with an innocent fatherless babe in her arms: the former meeting the latter, and being old acquaintances, and proficients in the mumping trade, the following conversation took place between them.

"Well, Molly, how do you carry on matters now-a-days?" "Indeed, Susan, I am very hard put to it to live, considering the dearness of every thing, and that I am obliged to pay half-a-crown a-week for the hire of this infant." "Half-a-crown a-week for the hire of a child is very dear, indeed, Molly; for I pay only three-and-sixpence for my blind man, and he is as good as a husband to me into the bargain."

I am, for my part, quite dismayed at [p97] the learning of the common people; for there is not a tap-boy at a public house, or a ticket porter, that does not every evening read the debates in parliament, and who cannot talk to you now about the Bill of Rights, the fundamental Principles of the Constitution, and Magna Charta; all which were formerly as indifferent to them as the parts they sat on, or, to use the language of Oliver Cromwell, as Magna Farta. And as to the women, if on a Sunday evening, after church-time, you can insinuate yourself so much into the good graces of a scullion-wench, or house-maid, as to prevail on her to take a cup of tea with you, she will be sure to let you know that she has read Pamela, Shakespeare, and the Rights of Woman, and the Lord knows what besides.

[p98] There is a distinguished character in many country parishes, whose peculiar merits I had nearly forgotten to celebrate; I mean the overgrown farmer, who rents from a thousand to two thousand pounds per annum. In some parishes these people are known by the dignified name of King Farmer. In this gentleman many dignified offices are concentrated, such as church-warden, overseer of the poor, and tax-gatherer. In fine, he often performs every function in the parish, but those of marrying, christening, and burying. This man is as generous as he is opulent: from a command of money, he is much respected and beloved by the little farmers, to whom he advances cash to pay their harvest expences; for which generous loan, they, in return, send their corn, the moment it is thrashed, to his granaries, which is productive of many [p99] benefits to the community at large, and especially to the poor. First of all, it saves the little farmer the trouble of sending his grain to market, and enables the king farmer, by having an immense quantity on hand, to regulate the price; so that when it is too dear, he can, by bringing in a vast quantity, glut and overstock the market, and reduce the price, that the poor may be served at a cheap rate; an object which always predominates in his mind, as he has too much integrity, humanity, and patriotism, to forestall and enhance the price of corn.

In many parishes the chief land-holders, from their public occupations, are compelled to reside in London, and frequently do not see their estates for many years together. Their lands and tenants are, in such cases, generally left to the protection [p100] of an attorney, who has the collecting of rents, letting of leases, holding courts, and the friendly duty of settling disputes, which he never fails to do, between the farmers. When the priest of the parish, the attorney, and the king farmer act together, and cordially join hand in hand; especially when the parson is admitted into the quorum, and acts as justice of the peace, as many do; then that parish may justly consider itself to be supremely blessed and happy; for a triunion formed of perfect piety, strict justice, and unabused wealth, may be productive of the most sovereign advantages to the inhabitants of any district who are so fortunate as to be protected and governed by them. They will be shielded against impiety, litigious law-suits, and extortionate prices for provisions. Religion, peace, and plenty, will prevail; -- immorality, oppression, [p101] and forestalling, will be things unknown to them; and in this happy parish there will be nothing wanting but a ducking-stool to keep the scolding women in order: and then their felicity will stand unrivalled in the annals of time, until the millenium shall make its appearance on the earth.

In addition to that truly pious regulation, which I trust speedily will be enforced, of not permitting any persons, excepting professional medical men, to walk the streets during divine service on Sundays, I cannot refrain from paying a due tribute of praise to the piety and morality of a Noble Lord, who lately brought a bill into Parliament to prevent the publication of Sunday newspapers. Such an act of piety and virtue is rarely to be found in the youth of this sinful [p102] age, so abounding with immorality and Jacobinism. This singular act in favour of true piety and devotion, and for the more strict observance of the Sabbath, will ever stand conspicuous in the annals of history as a proof of superior virtue, and must give joy to every moral and reflecting mind; though, to the disgrace of our Legislature, the bill was not permitted to pass into a law: for on that day it must be acknowledged to be highly indecorous to read any other book but the Scriptures.

I will also recommend to a certain member of Parliament, so eminently distinguished for his vital zeal for the Christian religion, to enforce a more strict observance of the Sabbath, by bringing before the House of Commons another bill, to inflict severe punishment on any person [p103] who shall be so profane as even to hum or whistle any tune, except a psalm or hymn, on the Sabbath-day: also for a more strict observance relative to abstaining from labour on Sundays; for it is positively forbid by the fourth commandment, and in the most explicit terms.

Notwithstanding this positive ordinance, we see in various instances the Sabbath violated, and in the grossest manner; but I am the more astonished, when, even in the very churches themselves, I see men on a Sunday ringing bells; for labour it is even to toll the bell; and extreme hard labour, and profane to a degree, to ring a batch of treble bobs for a leg of mutton and trimmings, which, am grieved to relate, is often done on the evenings of the Sabbath. But it may be said, that, as the tolling the [p104] bell is for a pious purpose, to call the congregation together, the sanctity of the object halloweth the act. This may be so; but as, in former times, the Lord commanded the priests on the Sabbath day to blow the trumpets and horns to assemble the people, I do not perceive any reason why that religious old custom should not be revived. Look to the tabernacle of the pious Doctor Squintum; there is no ringing of bells in that holy temple: the lambs of grace, by instinct, know the time that the shepherd calleth his flock together in that holy sheep-fold. Anxious as I am to assist in the correction of immorality and Jacobinism, towards which nothing can more powerfully contribute than the keeping the Sabbath in an exemplary manner, and having some genius for mechanism, I sat me down to invent a machine, in which a large Newfoundland [p105] or mastiff dog might toll a church-bell, in a manner somewhat similar to the wheel in which the turnspit dogs turn the meat; but, to my mortification, just as I had finished the model, which, now being of no use, I tend to request the Royal Society to do me the honour to accept, and was going to lay it before the Bench of Bishops for their sanction and approbation, I recollected that the dog was included in the fourth commandment, in the words, -- "and every thing that is within thy gates."

Thus was I foiled in my endeavours to promote piety: at the same time I am ready to acknowledge my double disappointment, as I also entertained the hope of gaining a large sum of money by my ingenious invention; as I imagined for certain that every parish in the three kingdoms [p106] would have purchased one of these anti-jacobin canambulatory wheels for their churches, that being the name I had given to this ingenious piece of mechanism. A bright thought, however, came suddenly into my head, that if the parson of the parish were to steal a dog and put him into the wheel, it would not be a breach of the fourth commandment; but I never recollected, till a friend, who is connected with a police-office, reminded me that such a contrivance would not only be a breach of the eighth commandment, but also of an English act of parliament, that has some unlucky clauses in it about hanging and transportation. So all my hopes vanished.

Works of absolute necessity should alone be performed on the Sabbath-day; such as the defending one's self against [p107] an enemy, &c. &c.; for remember the child that gathered sticks on that day, amongst the Israelites, was stoned to death. Some most pious Christians, as I have been informed, have had it in contemplation to propose to parliament, that a tax be levied on every housekeeper who, on a Sunday, shall entertain any person at his table. I trust this pious and laudable endeavour to suppress immorality and Jacobinism is not extinguished, but only lies dormant, from the pressure of State affairs. Such a tax would strike more at the root of evil than any other; for revelling and feasting on the Sabbath-day is not only profane in itself, but leads to various other enormities. How can a country expect to flourish which turns that day into gluttony, which ought to be set apart for prayer? On that day no person should take any other aliment but [p108] bread; nor should any liquor stronger than small beer be drank, under a most heavy fine; and in case of inability to pay the penalty in the person fined, imprisonment and hard labour in Bridewell should be instantly inflicted, at least for one month. Thus might the people be brought to some sense of their duty to Religion, and obedience to the State: but at present, in the manner they are permitted to pass the Sabbath, especially in the metropolis, there is no hopes of reformation; for, after divine service is over, even those who have the decency to attend it, go home and feast on meat and strong liquors; and, not satisfied with this, in the evening the more affluent resort to the public tea-gardens, and the lower order to the ale-house, where the remainder of the day, which ought to be passed in devotion, is spent in mirth [p109] and conviviality. But, wicked as these practices are, they are not the worst; for, gossiping, scandal-monging, and sweet-hearting, prevail on that day more than on any other in the week. These daring and glaring offences I recommend, with the zeal that becomes me, to the attention and correction of the legislature; and I trust they will do what becomes them.

A friend of mine, knowing how much my mind was bent on endeavouring to give every aid in my power to the legislature in their endeavours to mend the wicked ways of the world, favoured me with the perusal of a most valuable book, which has been long out of print. I have gained great information from it; and am convinced that if that most pious prelate, to whom we are so [p110] much indebted for his laudable endeavours to vanish those abominable opera-dancers, whose dress and lascivious attitudes are so repugnant to real modesty, would condescend to peruse it, he might draw many valuable hints from it, which would greatly assist him in his laudable exertions and endeavours. The title of this valuable Work is as follows:

[p111] YET PLAINER ENGLISH,
OR
THE SHORTEST WAY
WITH
WHORES AND ROGUES,
AND OTHER SCANDALOUS LIVERS.
DEDICATED
TO THE REV. WILLIAM BISSET,
AUTHOR OF THE
REFORMATION SERMONS,
INTITLED
PLAIN ENGLISH
AND
MORE PLAIN ENGLISH.
-------------------------
LONDON:
Printed for JOHN MARSHALL, at the Bible, in Grace-Church-Street
MDCCV.

[p112] I shall here transcribe the author's dedication of his book, and then select a few useful hints from it, which I think well worthy of the attention both of the bishops and the legislature.

THE DEDICATION.

To the Pious and Learned Mr. WILLIAM BISSET, one of the Ministers of St. Catherine's, by the Tower.

"REVEREND SIR,
"The world is so much obliged to you for your Reformation Sermons, called Plain English, and More Plain English, that I thought you the fittest patron for the third edition of this Book, intitled, Yet Plainer English.

"Reverend Sir, it must be confessed, your stepping out of the common road [p113] in reproving of vice, has turned many from the evil of their ways: yet, not to derogate from your matchless Sermons, I must take the liberty to say, that some of your directions, though plain enough, are a little too general to affect the hearts of some hundred sinners: I have, therefore, discovered a short way to reform the age, which, in this third edition, I intitle Yet Plainer English, as it was never proposed in your Reformation Sermons; but, were it put in practice, it would make a heaven upon earth.

"I know, Reverend Sir, some will think me, as they did you, a little too plain with the lords and ladies of sinful quality, that would approve of my lashing the little sinners: But I am not of this opinion; for no man can be too PLAIN and BOLD in exclaiming against [p114] adultery, theft, drunkenness, swearing, &c. and such other and so great impieties, as I think, since it rained fire and brimstone upon Sodom and Gomorrah, there has never been the like. If it be not now time to be PLAIN and SHORT with whores and rogues, however dignified and distinguished, it is time the world were at an end.

"I confess that the physic I give is extremely bitter; but the age is dangerously ill; and the REMEDY, as I shew in the following sheets, must be something violent to be effectual. -- Plainly, Sir, I here present to your patronage a new Scheme of Justice; and if it meets with your approbation, I shall hope our senators will smile upon it, and, in due time, find out ways and means to have it enacted: and, if this New Project for [p115] Reformation should not meet with such good success, yet I shall think my labour was well bestowed if it puts Mr. Bisset, or any other reformer, on speaking yet plainer English, or taking a shorter way with the scandalous livers that I have here advanced.

-- And so am I this pious gentleman's most humble servant and professed admirer. And further, I recommend his book to the particular attention of our pious bishops and wise legislators, in their laudable endeavours to reform this sinful age; for I am clearly of opinion, that the people of the present day are infinitely [p116] more wicked than those of the year 1705, and that they require to have yet plainer English spoken to them, and a new scheme of justice instituted to correct their vices; and that a shorter way should be taken with scandalous livers, and particularly with the lords and ladies of sinful quality; and that no man can be too plain and bold in exclaiming against and in correcting all immorality and Jacobinism of every sort, kind, quality, and colour. A total new system of correction must take place; our punishments, penalties and prisons are in general of little avail: our prisons are palaces, and places of ease; and that in Coldbath-fields, instead of a penitentiary-house, is an elegant retirement, an otium cum dignitate, a real rus in urbe, or an urbs in rure, whichever you please. No, no; none of these things will avail; we must at last [p117] adopt the plan of this pious gentleman, laid down with such judgment in the book I have just mentioned: from which I shall select a few passages, beginning with the Sabbath-breaker, the adulterer, and the whoremaster; for from these three spring all the immorality and Jacobinism of the present times.

The author of this pious book writes as follows: "And in regard the sabbath-breaker is the greatest criminal of this kind, his doom shall be this: one third part of his estate, whatever it is, should be forfeited, to get the poor people some clothes, that they may make their appearance at church. Then, as for himself, he should be forced to build a seat at his own charge, which should overlook the rest of the church, and there should he sit every Lord's day for a twelvemonth; [p118] and the reader should be sent home after him to inquire how much of the sermon he remembers; and whether he can repeat the doctrine, the method, and the subdivisions. If he gives not a good account, his confinement must continue. Farther, should the sabbath-breaker be ever so old, yet he should be obliged to say the catechism in the church, before a full congregation, once a month for one year. Were this prescription of punishment but well looked after, England, I am persuaded, would not expose herself to the wrath of Heaven every Lord's day as she does."

And I am also persuaded she would not; and the sooner we see these wise and pious regulations inforced, the more effectually shall we be able to strike at the root of these vices that infest us.

[p119] He proceeds to speak in the following manner, of fornicators, adulterers, and whoremasters. -- "I shall next shew the SHORTEST, being a new way to reform them. In order to punish the whole system of debauchery, I'll first begin with the kind keeper of quality, let him be Lord or Duke 'tis matter of indifference with me, and the method I'd take with him should at once discover and punish him. A proclamation should be published that every Miss that is kept by a Lord or Duke, upon making the discovery, should have three thousand pounds confiscated for her own use, out of her keeper's estate; three thousand pounds should also be confiscated, out of his estate, to the poor of the parish where he has his seat; and four thousand pounds more to carry on the war. Farther, the person thus discovered, should be obliged to publish [p120] an advertisement of his own shame, at his own charge, in the Gazette for a month together: and should any person of quality solicit any street-walker, or any other; upon good evidence of the fact, she should have one thousand pounds forfeited out of his estate, and he should be divested of all his titles, and thrown out of all capacity to serve in any office of trust or profit in the three kingdoms. -- Let us now descend to the common sort of mankind. The fornicator should be whipt, from guildhall to Charing Cross; a third part of his estate should go to carry on the war, a third part to the person that makes the discovery, and a third part to the poor of the parish, and himself sent over seas into her majesty's service. The adulterer should refund his wife's fortune, have the marriage nullified, his own personal estate should go to maintain [p121] poor men's sons at the university, and he himself should enter into her majesty's service. The gallant that is surprised with his Miss, should have his estate confiscated to maintain the hospitals, and himself sent to Bridewell to beat hemp two years, and afterwards go into the army."

Now, in all these points I differ but in a very small degree with this pious man's instructions. The poor being much better provided for in the present days, our universities also being in the highest state of affluence, and our hospitals supported on a most liberal and extensive plan, I think that the different sums of money which he wishes to be appropriated to those uses, should, with that part he already directs, be appropriated to carry on the war.

[p122] Moreover, provided these laws were well and duly enforced, they would bring in an immense revenue: and certain I am, the income tax might very speedily be repealed; by which the burthens of the people would be greatly relieved, and the country enabled to carry on the war at the expence of vice. It certainly is the shortest way to deal with whores and rogues; and by these means we should speedily get rid of them all. Our coffers would be filled, and our armies recruited; and in time, these salutary measures would be the means of plucking up by the roots the immoralities that abound among us.

In addition to these pious institutions, let that moral law, which has been already agitated, immediately take place, for no person whatever, excepting medical [p123] men, to talk the streets during the time of divine service on the sabbath-day. But as no person could then stir out of his house to fetch a medical man, in case of sickness in the family, during the hours of divine service on Sundays, I should take the liberty of giving a few hints to the bishops and legislators, how all medical men should act on that day. The should be stationed as the watchmen are, and each have his separate walk, and keep moving, and going their rounds with diligence and attention.

In case of sickness it would be necessary to have proper signals appointed to attract their attention. For instance, if a man was taken ill, a pair of breeches might be hung out of the window on a long pole; if a woman, a petticoat; and if she be taken in labour, a birch broom, [p124] or a pair of ram's horns. If any lady should require the obstetric aid of a accoucheur, and he should have turned round the corner of the street, he may be called back by beating on a frying-pan with the poker; as that sonorous music must attract his ear at a considerable distance.

In these times of universal alarm and general arming throughout the nation, I am astonished that administration have been so backward in shewing their personal seal in the defence of the country; especially after the laudable examples daily before their eyes, of the most distinguished characters, as well as private gentlemen, gallantly stepping forward to protect their native land from invasion.⁴ [p125] It must have grieved a heart of stone, on the last review, in Hyde Park, of the volunteers, on the nativity of our sovereign to have viewed so many respectable men so bespattered and besmeared from head to foot, without a single dry thread on their bodies; the water absolutely running out of their breeches knees: -- and then their dear wives, and lovely daughters, following the fate of the husband and parent; some returned home with shoes, and some without shoes, from Bunhill-row to Ealing or Acton. Severer service never was seen. What with women fainting through fatigue, drums beating, dogs barking, and children half-drowned crying, a more lamentable scene [p126] never was exhibited to the sympathizing spectator.

Before this day of universal distress, I had lamented that I never had the honour done me to be called upon to enroll myself in any of the volunteer corps in London: -- I therefore, that day, which never can or will be forgotten, staid at home; and, feeling, from experience, what the gallant soldier suffers on a march, from inclemency of weather, the melting sight must have drawn many a tear from my eyes. Administration would be badly occupied, if obliged to attend to the drill three or four times a-week, which they must do to be tolerably perfect, and to handle well their arms: they are much better employed in handling the treasury stores, and guarding the State from external and internal dangers. Yet they [p127] might do something, by way of encouraging others. I therefore propose the following plan of exercise for them, which, with the most profound deference and respect, I submit to your consideration, and wherein they might be perfected in their leisure hours, and without detaching them from that public duty they owe to their country. This is no less than to form themselves into a military musical band.

Mr. P--t, from his well-known abilities, might soon be taught to play well on the violin: -- the first fiddle and leader of the band is best suited to his capacity. The D-ke of P-------d will graciously condescend to play the second fiddle. There is no doubt but that Mr. D----as is already perfect master of the highland bagpipes. To Mr. W---m, as secretary [p128] of war, I would assign the drum, and Mr. Canning may be taught the fife. Lord Gr---le has an excellent embouchure for the French-horn; the Marquis of B---ham has bellows enough to play the bassoon; George R--se should sound the bugle-horn, knowing already the different calls for service by instinct: when perfect, on that instrument, he will be of great use to the band, by sounding the assemblee, not only to this small, though formidable military corps, but to their followers. The advance, the retreat, the halt, disperse, and skirmish, blow them in together; but never blow that fatal sound out: indeed his lips are not well formed to produce that tone; nor would the corps, however perfect in their discipline, understand or obey any such notice. An ode might also be composed by the Poet Laureat, or Peter Pindar, entitled [p129] the Vital Christian, which might be performed on Christmas-day and Good Friday.Mr. W---b---ce might also accompany the band, on particular festivals, on that solemn instrument, so much revered in ancient times, the sackbut; while Sir R---d H---ll might beat time with the Bible in one hand, and Joe Miller's Jests in the other.

When the theatre is ready, and the performers all in their places, Lord L---p---l may draw up the curtain, and his son, between the acts, be permitted to snuff the candles and sweep the stage. The whole might conclude with a grand naval firework, and display of the celebrated battle of the Nile, superintended by Earl Spencer, he being most justly entitled to the merits of that department. [p130] If the audience should call for a dance,the Ch--r, Mr. D--das, and Lord Liverpool, might appear in a Scotch reel; and if the audience should insist on a song, these three distinguished performers may sing, if they have not forgotten it, "Over the water to Charley," The inferior performers may be taught the Jew's harp, salt-box, and hurdy-gurdy. A treasury ode may also be set to music, and played by Mr. Pybus on the flute-broomstick.

I am astonished that this heaven-born administrations have not introduced flogging into this country, it having been found of such infinite benefit in Ireland, in making people speak out and tell the truth. For my part, I think if the minority were to be soundly flogged, it would do them a great deal of good: I will be bound, [p131] although they have abused the war from the very beginning to the present moment, that every one of them, before they had received five hundred lashes, would be brought to tell the truth, and confess that it was both just, and holy, and necessary. As for Charles Fox, as long as he continued in retirement, I would not have him punished; but if he dared again to interfere with the affairs of state, and interrupt the endeavours of the present administration, who, under preternatural auspices from above, have brought this country to such a state of affluence, grandeur, and plenty, I would have no mercy on him. Sheridan has a constitution that will bear anything; while Grey, Tierney, and Burdett, are young enough to take some hundreds each: but above all others I would punish that impudent fellow, Courteney, with the utmost severity, for daring to [p132] make a joke of every thing that falls from a treasury bench; and for his wicked presumption in ridiculing the pious and laudable endeavours of the Afridoulanthropic vital Christian.

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Notes:

¹ A title occasionally given, and with great consideration, propriety, and humanity, to cuckolds. [ back ]

² The Author is conscious that this word is not to be found even in the verbose Johnson; but as he feels himself fully as well entitled to fabricate words to express his ideas as any of his predecessors, he has no apology to make for any new phraseology which may distinguish this work. [ back ]

³ The average price for children let out to beggarwomen, is from half-a-crown to three shillings per week. [ back ]

⁴ In the Bloomsbury association, Dennet the banker is a serjeant, the Chancellor a corporal, and the Duke of Bedford a private; and all in the same company, serjeant Dennet, corporal Loughborough, private Bedford: -- and the Duke of Montrose is a private trooper in Col. Herries's corps of cavalry. [ back ]