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[p53] Advice to the Prelates and Legislators how to correct the Immorality and Jacobinism of the present Age, and at the same time increase the Revenues of the Country.

IT is the general received opinion of all parties, and of all descriptions of persons in this country, that a moderate and partial reform of parliament would be beneficial to the constitution: but our legislators are of opinion that this is not a proper period for such a measure. It being far from my wishes to make this a political work, I shall reserve my opinion on the subject. But I cannot refrain from giving my sentiments without reserve, and [p54] in very specific terms, on a point far more interesting, and which requires the immediate attention of the legislature; I mean the speedy suppression of the immorality and Jacobinism of this sinful and adulterous age. The vices of the present day require a radical and vigorous reform; the sooner it is effected, the better; for the more corrupt the times, the more necessary it is for our lawgivers to interfere and suppress the prevailing immoralities, by instituting salutary laws of correction, and to enforce a due obedience to the Church as well as the State.

In my humble opinion, no regulation would strike more effectually at the root of the evil, than an especial statute to compel all persons to a more strict attention to the duties of the Sabbath: such [p55] a regulation would be founded in the purest piety and virtue. I am daily in hopes of seeing an act of parliament passed, which, I have been informed, was in contemplation to be proposed to the legislature; and I trust it only lies dormant for a short time from the pressure of public affairs: I mean an act to prohibit any one on a Sunday to walk the streets during the time of divine service, except physicians, apothecaries, and surgeons. This regulation, I am informed, was first suggested by one of our pious prelates. He deserves the praise of every moral, religious, and reflecting person in the land. I pray Heaven it may be immediately enacted! The community must derive considerable benefit -- vice and immorality will hide their heads -- godliness will supersede impiety -- the wicked will be scattered [p56] like chaff before the wind, and our clergy will be praised and blessed by the applauding multitude, for thus advancing the vital excellence of the people ¹. On this occasion the affridoulanthropic sensibility of that sublime Christian, Mr. W---, cannot be too much commended; for I am informed that his humanity extended even to the brute creation. He judged very properly on a petition from Mr. M---, the celebrated veterinary gentleman, and horse and cow surgeon, who proved to him how much the race of those useful animals might suffer, if their medical attendants were not permitted to visit their patients: besides, after the [p57] labour of the whole week, it would be unjust if so useful a set of men might not be established to finish their business by one or two o'clock, so as to enable them to take an innocent lounge on horseback in Hyde Park on Sunday. From the respect which is so justly paid to this truly pious and zealous Christian, the veterinary surgeons were to have been admitted to the same privileges and immunities as the regular physicians, surgeons, and apothecaries.

The petition of these gentlemen was considerably strengthened by the claims Mr. M---, the veterinary surgeon had on the ----, for having very condescendingly stepped so much out of his sphere as to prevent a favourite tom-cat belonging to his Lordship from continuing the exercise of those impurities, which had [p58] been such a scandal to that chaste and pious family.

The petition of Doctor Norman, her Majesty's dog physician, was particularly attended to; (he was to have been privileged equally with the above gentlemen), on account of his having paid the most particular attention to the pregnant state of a she-monkey belonging to Madame Swelenbergen.

Pig doctors, however, were totally excluded: a proof that Government pays but very little attention to the swinish multitude. As for myself, I am of opinion that the swine are most useful creatures, and must confess that I do not think a pennyworth of pig's meat a bad thing now and then².

[p59] I cannot help lamenting that the privilege shewn to the veterinary surgeons did not arise so much from their professional abilities, as from interest and favour for their condescending qualities. But it is in this as in most other occupations. Even in that most honourable profession, the army, though there are many men of merit who rise by the sword, yet there are some of very little merit who rise by the scabbard.

In these times of impiety and lewdness it would be but proper to forbid all women, under a very weighty penalty, (but most particularly those who have handsome legs,) from walking out on a windy day, without sewing their petticoats down to their shoes, lest a sudden gust of wind, on meeting a prelate, might attract his eyes and derange his thoughts, [p60] which ought only to be fixed on things above.

Women of fashion, so deservedly called modest women, have no thoughts of man in dressing themselves, poor souls! and endeavour only to appear clean and decent, every one according to her quality; although I solemnly declare I have seen a modest woman on a warm Sunday in July, in Kensington gardens, with nothing on but a thin linen petticoat (not a dimity one), a smock, and a muslin gown: but who will ever be so censorious as to surmise that this was done to attract the attention of man by any modest woman? I am sure such thoughts never entered into my head, nor did it in the least attract my attention, further than to impress me with a kind apprehension that she might catch cold.

[p61] As the prelates have very little to do when in London, if they were to attend all places of public resort, they would then be more able to judge of the many glaring immoralities of the age, and be better qualified to report on them to the legislature. A wonderful deal of good might be derived from such wise and salutary steps: effectual measures might be taken, and on the most indisputable authority, to correct the hydra evil, which stalks, with as many heads as tails, about this sinful town. Thus the morals of this wicked age might be amended: -- they are indeed too bad; I speak feelingly: for I myself meet with such temptations every day, from the conduct and appearance of the women, both from what they hide, and what they display, as to irritate my nervous system, and decompose the regular flow of my spirits. In short, from [p62] the universal depravity and Jacobinism of this town, (for be assured that all vice and immorality tend to overturn our Government and the Christian religion,) that I can scarce enter a street in which I do not see something to call up my feelings; and if some measures are not adopted to correct those indecencies, notwithstanding all the resolution and philosophy I possess, I am fearful I may fall into a way of life which I have hitherto so studiously endeavoured to avoid.

Vice and immorality will never be corrected by the prelates visiting St. James's on court days, where nought but piety, sincerity, modesty, candour, and ingenuousness ever enter: nor by their attending the House of Lords, where the unbiassed legislators do not suffer places and pensions to have the smallest influence [p63] on their judgment or actions. Their time in both these places is as much misapplied, as if they were to preach to a congregation consisting only of clergymen, who, of course, can want no amendment or instruction.

They should bend their steps towards St. Giles's, Wapping, Drury-lane, Field-lane, Chick-lane, Love-lane, and Petticoat-lane. There would they see Satan, with huge strides, walking along in open day, and the daughters of corruption lighted by the children of the sun, (vulgarly called the lamplighters,) to their midnight orgies. If the whole clergy would only take for their copy that much to be respected and pious prelate, to whom all praise is due for his endeavours to banish, from this too sinful Babylon, those indecent Opera dancers, who distort their [p64] bodies in all postures, too shocking for the feelings of modesty and virtue, we then might have some hopes of speedy reformation.

Though great are the sins of this nation, I have considerable hopes in the forgiveness of Heaven; and that under the auspices of a virtuous Minister, we shall shortly be delivered from all our enemies, our misfortunes and miseries. For, as charity covers a multitude of sins, this nation has more claim for forgiveness and mercy than any other; for, in respect to charitable deeds, we have exercised them towards all Europe: as I believe there is not any power of consequence, whether Majestic, Serene, or Most Holy, that we have not subsidised.

To destroy vice, to promote modesty, [p65] and at the same time to increase the revenues of the country; I recommend a fine to be inflicted (according to a man's rank) not to exceed fifty pounds, on every one who should presume to make water against the wall, in the streets: it is highly indecorous; the ladies never practise any public indecencies of this kind, and why should we? -- are not, logically speaking, our faculties as retentive as theirs? Besides, wooden houses might be erected in every street, with large vessels to hold this valuable liquid, so much sought after by tobacconists, dyers, farmers, clothiers, and chemists. It being the best manure in the world for land, the parish-officers should be commanded carefully to collect and dispose of this valuable commodity at a public sale by inch of candle, to the great saving of the poor-rates. It might [p66] also be an object of taxation, as it was in former times, and a large revenue might be raised to the state; a small part of which might be applied, with great propriety, to aid the support of the Magdalen Hospital: I am certain, from the immense quantity of this liquor produced by the consumption of gin, porter, ale, wine, &c. the revenue arising from it, (if proper attention was paid to the collection and sale of it,) would in a short time rival the malt tax. Reflect only on the double benefit arising from it; immorality will be corrected, and the state coffers filled. It is an object worthy the attention both of the bench of Bishops and Lords of the Treasury: and, without any presumption or unbecoming confidence, I do think, that both Church and State are highly indebted to me for suggesting [p67] such an easy mode of advancing the best interests of them both. Whether their Lordships will be of that opinion, I have my doubts; as, according to a favourite proverb of my grandmother, God rest her soul! The great are seldom grateful.

I have often lamented the loss of this valuable fluid, that might be made such a source of national wealth, and have frequently turned my thoughts to frame a judicious and saving mode of collecting it, in order to present it to the consideration of the minister. But self-interest, which we all possess (more or less), has prevented me; for, not having the honour even of the slightest acquaintance with him, I was fearful that I might not get properly rewarded; and that I should have been told, as others have been on [p68] similar occasions, that the Chancellor of the Exchequer had the same idea long in contemplation, but, from existing circumstances, and the pressure of public affairs, he has not as yet been able to bring it forward.

The distress of my country, however, now obliges me, as a true Briton, to wave every private advantage; and when my plan shall have been adopted, I shall throw myself on the generosity of my country for a reward.

This, I again assert, will be doubly profitable, because a most moral method of increasing the revenue, as female delicacy is so often offended in passing the streets by audacious or absent men, in obeying the dictates of nature. I myself am wonderfully absent at times; [p69] and I will select two instances out of many, which I declare on my honour are strictly true. One morning I had dressed myself, buttoned the knees of my breeches, put my shoes on, and was going out at the street-door, when my servant reminded me that I had forgotten my stockings. Another time I had purchased some books in a shop, the corner of Sackville-street, one dark evening; and taking the candle up to look at others near the door, I opened it, and walked with the lighted candle as far as York-house before I perceived it was in my hand, when I returned, and gave it to the bookseller, who, with the utmost astonishment, was observing my actions.

At this moment it occurs to my recollection, that on the very day I walked [p70] out of the bookseller's shop with the lighted candle in my hand, I had been deeply engaged in calculating the immense increase of revenue that would accrue to the state by a tax on knives, forks, and spoons; which I was drawing out and organizing in proper form to lay before the minister, and which every sagacious and experienced politician will acknowledge to be a sufficient excuse for my absence. This scheme will be of infinite advantage to the revenue of the country whenever it is adopted, which I hope and trust will shortly be the case, to enable us to carry on this just and necessary war.

The proposed tax, if properly levied, not exempting any soul living, not even the infant at the breast, (for he is fed with a pap-spoon,) would be a richer [p71] source of revenue, in my opinion, than any other that could be imagined: for, were people divided into four classes, and the rich compelled to pay according to their abilities; although the poor person paid but a very small proportion, (say half-a-crown only;) yet, by able calculators and financiers, it might be so proportioned, by laying it on thicker and thicker on each class, according to their respective abilities, that it would, without in the least distressing the country, produce one pound per head. Thus, from the latest calculations on the population of England, we may be assured of an additional revenue amounting to ten millions. Besides, this tax is founded in the solid principles of political justice: for why, let me ask, should not Government demand a revenue from the vehicles with which we [p72] feed ourselves, as well as from the necessary articles by which we are fed?

To render this tax more productive and efficacious, every knife, fork and spoon should be stamped; and as it is not necessary for any person whatever to use above one knife, fork, and spoon, (for after eating of various dishes they may easily be wiped clean,) all superfluous knives, &c. may be justly deemed luxuries, and should be severely taxed; which may be readily effected by the tax-gatherers counting noses in every family. The rich, who may choose to keep a superfluity, must pay for them, and can have no grounds for complaint, as they can afford it.

I am certain there are some people in this country who are such thorough Jacobins, [p73] that they would eat with their fingers, and even sup their soup with an oyster-shell, sooner than use a spoon; but they are not numerous: and even then it would be productive of some good; for, by bringing them nearer to a state of nature, in which our forefathers lived, their minds and hearts would be less tainted with immorality. But the act might be so worded as even to deny them the privilege of substituting a shell for a spoon. The words might run thus, when they would have the desired effect: "Knives, forks, spoons, or any other instruments or implements used in conveying food (whether liquid or solid) to the mouth." Indeed a soldier might, and most probably would, evade this tax, by cutting his meat with his sword, and feeding himself with his bayonet in the room of a fork: but then he must pay for his soup; for it [p74] would puzzle the most expert soldier to find a warlike instrument fit for that purpose.

In addition to the above two productive taxes I shall propose one more, which will in no shape whatever affect the poor, therefore, in my humble opinion, it ought to be adopted; I mean a tax on all absentee Scotchmen; on all North Britons, who do not pass six months of the year in Scotland. This we all know would produce a spanking revenue. It has been proposed to tax the absentee Irish: why not the Scotch? But the money should be wholely and solely appropriated to the disposal of the English treasury, to repay this country, in some degree, for the benefits which the natives of North Britain derive from it. Candour obliges me to pay all due regard to their merits; [p75] yet I must, in justice to my own country, declare the reason why Englishmen sometimes appear so ridiculous in the opinion of foreigners; -- it is this -- that we allow our fools to travel; while, in Scotland, there is an embargo laid upon theirs.

It is not, I am positive, from want of attention to their religions that the lower order of people do not frequent the churches oftener. They cannot afford it. It is impossible to get a place in many churches under a shilling; for in these times, even in the house of God, they take money, as well as in other great offices³.

[p76] But, after all, as a man can get an excellent hot meal for eight-pence, a pot of porter for threepence halfpenny, and smoke his pipe with the odd halfpenny, although the shilling laid out in this way may not be of so much benefit to his soul as a sermon, yet it is infinitely better for his body.

Were the bishops to preach in highways and fields, as the methodist preachers do, they would draw together very numerous congregations; for, where one hundred people attend to a methodist preacher, who is nothing but a journeyman- [p77] weaver, barber, tailor, or a cobler, one thousand would attend to hear an episcopal preacher. The singing boys from the various charities might be ordered to attend to chant the psalms; and at a very small expence a gallantry show-man might be obtained to attend with his organ, the barrels set to psalm-tunes. I am confident thousands would attend who never go to church, as they would have praying, preaching, and music (which, by the by, the poor people are very fond of) for nothing. The best places I know of in the city for them to perform at, are Tower-hill, Wapping, Moor-fields, the Tenter-ground, Smithfield, and White-chapel. At the other end of the town, the Ring in Hyde-park, the New Road, St. George's Fields, and the fields behind Montague-house, or Chalk-farm; this last to counteract the propagation of Jacobin [p78] principles which have already been sown on this celebrated spot. If any arch-prelate would graciously condescend to mount the black horse at Charing-cross on a Sunday, but he must not sit with his back towards the king, as that would be disrespectful, I would be bound half London would attend him. It might also be productive of great good, if one of their lordships were to attend every Sunday both at the Fleet-Prison and the King's Bench, in which places an excellent and comforting sermon might be preached, taken from the fifth chapter of St. Matthew, verse 26. "Verily I say unto thee, thou shalt by no means come out thence till thou hast paid the uttermost farthing;" and all the creditors who listen to the discourse will cry out with a loud voice, "Amen, so be it!" The deans, and other ecclesiastical dignitaries, who, with meekness [p79] and resignation, piously await the promised mitre, should, on Sundays, mount the golden horse on Cavendish-square, as an emblem of the riches that will one day reward their humility, piety, and zeal for the honour of the Church.

The manner in which the Sabbath is spent is extremely indecorous, and an open violation of all decency. The Sabbath was set apart as a day of rest to man from his labour, which he is bound to devote to religious exercises: and if people fulfilled the duties it requires, they would not find many spare minutes on their hands. After seven-o'clock prayers, they come home to clean themselves and eat their breakfast; for no truly devout person should eat before he goes to morning service, as prayers on an empty stomach operate more powerfully, [p80] and have more effect on the moral diseases of the mind. The day-service begins at eleven, and lasts till near one. From thence till half past four their time will be fully taken up with dinner, and preparation for the evening prayers; after which they will return home to tea. A family sermon, or certain portions of the Whole Duty of Man, will then follow; and the pious family may then retire at an early hour to bed, in order to get up the sooner, on the Monday, to attend their different callings.

But, instead of Sunday being passed in this devout and rational manner; after morning-service is once over, (for people generally think it fully sufficient if they attend divine service once a-day,) both in winter and summer, the streets and Hyde- [p81] Park are so crowded that you can hardly pass along. At night, the ale-houses are brim-full; and, on a fine summers' evening, the people of fashion stay till it is dark in Kensington-Gardens; while the trades-people roam about the environs of town, hallooing and screaming, jumping over the hedges, and rolling over the hay-cocks. These horrid impieties should be corrected. I cannot too much admire the purity, virtue, and true religion which the Americans formerly practised, particularly in New-England, whose inhabitants are now so famed for honour, justice, sincerity, and piety. In Boston, the Sabbath was held in such reverence, that any person guilty of swearing in the course of it was put in the stocks. The sinful lusts of the flesh also were so abominated on that day, that carnal knowledge even between man and wife [p82] was forbidden, and no bundling whatever was permitted. The severest punishments were inflicted for breaking these laws, not only on the human race, but on the brute creation; for an unlucky, ill-disposed horse, which on a Sunday broke out of his paddock and got to a mare, was taken to the public whipping-post in Boston, and flogged, according to the Hebrew law, forty stripes lacking one. One of our naval captains was publicly exposed in the stocks, in the market-place at Boston, for swearing on a Sunday, which insult he bore with great patience and submission; nor did he take the least notice of it until the day that he was to sail for England, when he invited some of the select men of Boston to dine with him on board. Whilst at dinner, he weighed anchor, and, after treating them most sumptuously, and assuring them [p83] that he could not possibly leave their country without giving them some mark of the sense he entertained of their extraordinary civilities to him, he ordered each select man to receive half a dozen lashes on the gangway, and then put them into their boats, which were waiting alongside, and sailed for England.

True religion is the source of all happiness; and hypocrisy is a base crime, which is detested even by those who practise it.

The clergy, who piously exert themselves to correct the immorality of their flocks, will be objects of admiration to the present age, and receive the homage of ages yet to come. Those pious, learned, and eloquent men, whose labours [p84] have tended to stop the dissemination of Jacobin principles, and consequently to maintain and strengthen the Christian religion, will receive the blessings of future generations.

It is highly probable that the Pope may be taught, by his humiliation, to become more liberal on some particular tenets of religion, and send them his thanks and blessing, which, from a power that has been so long in direct opposition to them, must be highly gratifying to their faith and feelings. Nay, I do not see why it may not encourage them to indulge the hope even of converting his Holiness to the Protestant faith. Nor will it, on reflection, be more surprising for the Pope to change his religion, and, on a vacancy, be made archbishop of Canterbury, (which will not be more than an adequate [p85] reward for the conversion of so great a proselyte,) than to have seen his Holiness burned in effigy in the capital of a catholic country: which ceremony was absolutely performed at Paris, before Palais d'Egalité.

At the same time that I point out to the clergy what infinite benefit the country would derive from their laudable exertions in publicly preaching and privately acting true religion and repentance, I would have them be mindful of continuing to practise, as they ever have done, the duties which they preach to their congregations; and the more they continue to follow the humble path of the Divine Author of our religion and his apostles, the surer they are of having reverence and respect paid to them. -- I am not of opinion, because St. John fed upon [p86] locusts and wild honey, that a bishop's chief food should be molasses and cabbage, (which, by the by, is a famous dish in America;) or, because he is a priest, that he should not partake of the good cheer of this world in moderation; or that he should be debarred the innocent pleasures of this life -- far be it from my thoughts; nor that he should preach up abstinence and fasting, or spare diet, to the people at large; in which I should be sure of being condemned, not only by the fair sex in general, but by the most rigid prude, to whom I will reply, "Hold, Mrs. Abigail, I have too much regard for your sex to prescribe such spare diet and lean food⁴." But at the same time I must observe, that I do not think religion so ponderous a virtue, that it [p87] need be drawn in a coach and six horses. Indeed, whenever I see a superabundant degree of state-shew and pageantry in pious processions, it recalls to my mind what a poor half-starved Jesuit said to the grand-master of that order passing by in great state to mass, "Jesuita, Jesuita, non ita ibat Jesus." For the benefit of my fair readers, who, from the present defective state of their education, cannot be supposed to understand Latin, but whose mental and corporeal improvement is the chief, if not the sole, motive which has induced me to undertake this Work, I will translate the passage: "Our Saviour did not make his entry into Jerusalem in a state-coach."

As I am of opinion that the labourer is worthy of his hire, and should be paid according to his real exertions, and not [p88] according to his supposed virtues, I am of opinion that forty pounds a-year to a country curate, who serves four churches on a Sunday, and christens, marries, and buries the whole inhabitants of as many parishes, is not in a rateable proportion to a salary of sixteen thousand pounds per annum paid to a mitred superior, who has only to say a few prayers a few score times in a year. I trust I shall not be suspected of a want of respect to the learned and pious heads of our Church, or of attempting, in the smallest degree, to degrade or lower their consequence, when I most devoutly wish that the benefices of the inferior clergy, who labour hard in the vine-yard, may be considerably augmented: for, surely, a stipend of forty pounds per annum will bear no comparison with a revenue of twelve or sixteen thousand. We have it from the first authority, that he [p89] who serves at the altar should live by it; which he cannot decently do on an income of less than two hundred a-year.

It is not the dances and dancers only that are productive of immorality, but even the operas themselves are incentives to vice, and cause the destruction of female virtue. No person will deny the powers that music has over both the human and brute creation. Aelian informs us, that the Lybian mares were excited to love by music. What moral man, after seriously reflecting on this, will ever permit his wife or daughters to go to the opera? or what decent and virtuous woman will ever request it? for I assert that music has more power now-a-days, (since the death of Orpheus and some other persons, ancient performers,) over the human than [p90] the brute creation, as there is not a fiddler or flute-player in this or any other country, with Signior Pacherotti and Signior Marchesi along with them, who would dare to pass into the den of one of the lions or bears in the Tower; whereas Orpheus charmed all the beasts of the forest. I cannot take upon me to say what respect or reverence wild beasts might pay to eunuchs; for, were they as singularly attentive to them as bears are to real virgins⁵, a band of song-scrapers might pass through all the dens of beasts in the Tower, with a few Signior Castrati to draw off the attentions of the beasts from the fiddlers.

[p91] I really think this an experiment worthy the attention of the Royal Society; and whenever I have the honour of being introduced to the president, I shall recommend it to his consideration; conscious, from his having condescended, for the improvement and illucidation of Natural Philosophy, to boil fleas, that he will endeavours to make minute experiments on animals of great magnitude: so that by his intimate acquaintance with wild beasts, natural philosophers may acquire as perfect a knowledge of the pulsations of a lion or tiger, as the microscopic powers have given them over the heart of a louse; which will be a wonderful acquisition to the journals of the Royal Society, as well as most useful and beneficial to mankind.

[p92] But to return to the opera. -- How often have I known women delighted beyond conception with the performance of eunuchs, so fascinating are their pipes. We have instances even of women having been warbled into marriage with them. Tenducci, it is well known, married a very charming woman; but she was an Irishwoman -- and that amiable nation, both male and female, have an unaccountable propensity to commit blunders.

"There is a charm
"Which none but those who taste can tell."

I have often wondered that no notice has been taken of Mr. Astley's exhibiting his cabinet of monkeys; it is a gross reflection on all governments and administrations, and ought to be suppressed; and the exhibition of General Jacko, a severe satire on our General Officers. [p93] Every thing which in the smallest degree is meant to ridicule either State or Church, or the superior orders of people, tends to promote immorality and Jacobinism, and of course to destroy the Christian religion. These should be suppressed. The endeavour to banish these Saltantes, with their libidinous attitudes, finds an example in ancient history: for Tiberius Nero, we read, banished the opera-dancers and players from Italy for the very same reasons; and how pure and immaculate his character was, his biographer Suetonius will inform those who are curious on these subjects.

That great personage, however, possessed an advantage which few great personages have possessed. He played upon the fiddle; and he did what few great personages have done -- he took a peep behind [p94] the curtain: nay, he took a part in the opera; and therefore must have been able to judge from himself: whereas our divines must depend entirely on the report of others; as it has never, no, never been known that any one of them has ventured into the gallery of the opera-house, in the pious disguise of a brown wig or a croppy, to judge from the conviction of his own senses.

It is not, however, the opera-dancers and singers alone that I condemn. Our theatres should be corrected, or not suffered to open at all. I would instantly have banished, in particular, those impudent immoral performers, Johnston, Munden, Suet, and Bannister. What scenes of debauchery, drunkenness, and immorality do they exhibit every night to this gaping town! It is too bad, indeed. They [p95] should be immediately sent to Botany Bay. I would be equally, if not more, severe on some of the female performers. I would have no mercy whatever shewn to that artful baggage Mrs. Jordan. What a mixture of vice and wickedness does she exhibit to our young women of fashion, which, if not suggested by her performance, the innocent creatures would never think of! From her they learn how to impose on a tender and anxious parent or faithful guardian. Does she not, when her guardian instructs her to write a letter to a profligate wicked lover, to forbid him from seeing her face again -- does she not, I say, take the advantage of his momentary absence to whip another letter out of her bosom, full of unchaste and fond expressions, and substitute it in the place of the original one; and then laugh at the poor, old, doating dupe, on making him [p96] the instrument of her infamy? And besides, oh horrible! does she not teach young ladies to tread on young gentlemen's toes under the table⁶? Oh heavens! how must it shock any moral man to have a young lady take such impudent liberties with him! If any young woman should ever dare to offend my modesty by so indelicate an audacious an act, I swear, by my chastity, that I would not delay a moment in giving information to her parents or guardians, or next of kin, of her disposition to treading, that they might marry her out of hand!

How often have I seen young women of the first fashion delighted to excess at the wonderful skill and powers this seducing actress possesses; in teaching them [p97] how to play the jilt and coquette, and completing them in the art and science of intrigue. -- In short, so perfect and skilful is she in her immoral instructions on the stage, and so much libertinism has she insidiously represented to our thoughtless young ladies, that no punishment could be too great for her. I know not how to dispose of her properly, unless she were to be sent to France, where she could do no harm; for there Satan and Sin walk hand in hand.

There is another shocking fellow who should be severely punished; I mean Lewis; who, when playing Archer, has the impudence to ask a lady to permit him to take off her garter to bind the thieves before at least two thousand people.

What wanton and indecent songs are daily sung in our theatres! What pious [p98] or moral person can hear, without blushing, the fashionable air which begins with the following line:

"I'll kiss you here by this fair light."

To kiss a young lady by the light of the moon! -- How indecent! Oh! let me plunge the idea deep in night and darkness. But this is not all: It is bad enough to perform such a duet on the public stage; but it does not end there: for, if it should prove a favourite air with the public, and be encored a few times, as it most probably would be, every young lady in the land sings and plays it on the Piano Forte. With what emphasis, expression, and feeling, have I heard grown misses of sixteen or seventeen, sing what I should be ashamed to write, as it would wound the feelings of any decent person to read. -- But, alas! so it is, and so it will be -- till [p99] my book has been read and studied, and produced all the good effects which I reasonably expect from it.

Then again that impudent, abominable woman, Mrs. Martyr, and in man's clothes, and regimentals, singing --

"And when in quarters we shall be,
"Oh! how I'll kiss my landlady."

What! kiss the landlady to pay the reckoning! Oh, fye! this is worse even than an officer not paying his quarters at all.

Besides, there is The Beggars Opera; which ought not only to be banished the stage, but burned by the hands of the common hangman, and as severe a penalty inflicted on any person selling it as on the works of Tom Paine; for it is equally as productive of disrespect to our present [p100] Government, and the Christian religion. It contains many of the grossest libels on our nobility, people of fashion, and opulent men. For instance:

This is a direct libel on our laws, our constitution, our nobility, and all persons of distinction and opulence. It has the audacity to state, that if a rich man, or a man of family, be ever so guilty, he can purchase his escape from the gallows by dint of gold, in defiance of all law; and that, in short, none but poor men can be hanged.

[p101] Again; seven common women are introduced to Macheath, at one time, who kisses, every one of them on their entering the room. Here is a most abominable scene of indecency, indecorum, and infamy. Then, on the very moment before he is to be executed, and when the gaoler announces two more wives, with a child a-peace, who wish to see him, the unfeeling monster, without the least compassion, either for the women or the tender babes, and with a bold effrontery and unfeeling heart, tells the gaoler to inform the sheriff's officer that he is ready; and goes with as much composure to the gallows, as a long-haired, blear-eyed methodist would go to the tabernacle⁷. The whole is too shocking. -- But the worst is yet to [p102] come. I mean Foote's comedy of the Minor. This is by far the most impudent and profligate performance ever produced on the stage. All the scandal, debauchery, and fraud, of the common brothel, is publicly exhibited before our virtuous and chaste wives and daughters. An old notorious procuress avows that she is procured a virgin nymph from the country for a nobleman, who is to be introduced to her after she returns from the holy tabernacle that evening. When Loader has the infamy to ask her to tip the peer an old trader, and let his friend, the baronet, have the girl; Lord! Mr. Loader, replies the old bawd, where do you think to go when you die? So that hypocrisy is added to complete the scene of infamy, for the amusement, instruction, and improvement of pit, boxes and gallery.

[p103] Then the pious apostle of reformation, and founder of the Tabernacle, Doctor Whitfield -- the very corner-stone -- one of the most substantial pillars and props -- the very arch of religion, -- to be publicly ridiculed on the stage! Oh! what an abomination! And then to represent his holy tabernacle as a receptacle for bawds and profligates, which never was polluted with unhallowed breath, and where none but the purest and chastest zephyrs blow! Then how doubly cruel and wicked, and illiberal, to turn into ridicule on a public theatre a natural defect of this sanctified character, under the ludicrous name of Doctor Squintum, because he had a whimsical kind of look that serious people would call a cast in both eyes! All this is wicked in the extreme; nay, what is worse than wicked, it is ungentlemanly. But to return to [p104] the heroine of this shocking piece -- She is made, after describing the beauty of the deluded nymph, to exclaim, with uplifted eyes; -- "that three such lovely tender chickens would, in one winter, make her fortune!" But let me hasten from a scene which makes me shudder as I contemplate it.

The pious Prelates of former ages were industrious in using every exertion in their power to suppress all stage-performances. Not only divines, but laymen, both ancient and modern, have, by their writings, endeavoured to suppress plays, as well as other amorous and unchaste works. Clemens, Romanus, Nazianzen, Tertullian, Ambrose, Jerome, Lactantius, Augustin, and others of the early Christian teachers; the Fourth Council of Carthage, and divers other councils. Babington, [p105] Hooker, Perkins, Downham, Williams, and all other commentators on the seventh commandment, have condemned and forbid the writing, printing, selling, or teaching any amorous, wanton play-books, histories, or heathen authors, especially Ovid's Art of Love, Catullus, Tibullus, Propertius, Martial, Plautus, and Terance. Osorius also condemns them. Aeneas Sylvius, afterwards Pope Pius II. strongly reprobates them; and Ignatius Loyola, the founder of the Jesuits, forbade the reading of Terence to the youth in all the public schools under the direction of that learned and holy order.

The Jews even, so notorious for their uncleanliness, did not permit their youth in ancient times to read the Canticles, till they arrived at thirty years of age, for [p106] fear they should turn the spiritual passages which it contains to a carnal sense, and make them instruments of inflaming their own lusts; and for the same reason Origen adviseth such as are of an amorous temper to forbear reading that work of Solomon.

It is not to be wondered at, that so much immorality and Jacobinism prevails during the present time in this country; when, in this sinful Babylonian London, our plays, replete with love, intrigue, and deceit, are so constantly resorted to by both sexes, as well as our operas, where the dancers display such wanton, lascivious attitudes, which are too indelicate for any moral person to behold but with disgust.

Our youth, both male and female, are also educated in a manner so repugnant [p107] to decency, religion, and virtue! The girls, from their infancy, read nothing but romances, novels, and tales of love; while the boys, in learning the dead languages, study the heathen poets, who certainly were inspired by Satan, or they would not have drawn their very gods in such monstrous characters, carrying debauchery and adultery to the very throne of Jupiter. Our youth might be as soon perfected in the dead languages, without ever being permitted to study the heathen authors, if some of our learned men would take upon them to translate into the dead languages some pious and moral books: for instance, Baxter's Shove to a Heavy-breeched Christian; a Heel-piece to a Limping Sinner; Huntingdon's Bank of Faith; with various other works of equal instruction and piety.

[p108] With poetry they might be supplied by translating into heroic verse Tillotson's and Sherlock's Sermons, Pope's Essay on Man, and Young's Night Thoughts. And for variety, which is so necessary to education, the Rolliad and Probationary Odes might be converted into excellent Latin lyrics. Then, indeed, might we live in hopes of seeing the golden age revived, and those pure and simple manners, which characterised that celebrated period, universally practised. But if a stop be not speedily put to the licentiousness of the present times, we may shortly expect to see the brutality of Tarquin, and the ravishing of the Sabine nymphs, publicly exhibited on our theatres, and openly acted to the life; when the corners of every street would be decorated with the following play bill: --

[p109] This day will be performed, at the Theatre-
Royal, a new Play,
intituled,
THE RAPE OF THE SABINES.
Romulus, -- Mr. Kemble;
Remus, -- Mr. Pope.

Principal Ravishers:

Mr. Johnston, Mr. Incledon, Mr. Barrymore,
Mr. Dignum, Mr. Munden, Mr. Bannister,
Mr. Fawcett, and Mr. Hull.

Sabine Nymphs:
Mrs. Siddons, Mrs. Jordan, Mrs. Powell,
Mrs. Pope, Mrs. Maddocks, Mrs. Crouch,
Mrs. Martyr, Mrs. Davenport, &c. &c.

To which will be added, an After-piece,
intituled,
THE VIOLATION OF LUCRETIA.
The part of Tarquin -- by a Noble Lord.
Lucretia, by a distinguished Lady of Fashion.
Being their first appearance in those
characters.

[p110] As custom makes every thing familiar, we might expect to see both our wives and daughters attending these criminal spectacles with as much sans froid as they would view a Lord Mayor's shew.

These horrors would also be made the subject of common chit-chat at morning visits and tea-tables: and the very first thing uppermost in the thoughts of our female children, in the morning at breakfast, would be the entertainment of the preceding evening; and the mother's opinion asked concerning the performance and merit of the actors and actresses, with as little reserve as on the most moral subject.

In former pious times, various saints, lawgivers, rulers, and divines, have written with the utmost abhorrence of plays and theatres. Tully and Plutarch denominate [p111] them the bane of sobriety, and excitations to lewdness. Theodosius the Great, in Antioch, shut up the theatres, as the fountains of all wickedness, and the nurseries of all mischief. The emperors Valentinian and Gratian, and Valens, enacted, "That stage-players should be debarred from the sacrament, as long as they continued on the stage; and that it should not be administered to them in their extremity, and when on their death-beds, though they most earnestly desired it, unless they first renounced their lewd professions, and protested solemnly that they would not return to it in case of recovery⁸."

The emperor Justinian published an edict⁹, "That all Christians should refrain [p112] from acting and beholding stage-plays, because they were not the least of those pomps of the devil which Christians solemnly renounce at baptism."

Saint Chrysostom calls stage-plays the devil's solemnities, or pomps; Satanical fables; diabolical mysteries; the impure food of devils; hellish conventicles¹⁰; and, in his sixth homily on Matthew, he says, "God never taught men to play, but the devil, who hath formed jests and plays into an act, that by them he may draw the soldiers of Christ to himself." I could add five hundred quotations to the same purport, as the writers in the early ages of Christianity have formed a favourite branch of my studies; but those already given, will, [p113] I presume, be thought fully sufficient by every candid reader.

Happy, thrice happy am I, that a pious prelate has revived the subject; as the clergy have too long lain dormant on the wickedness of the stage; and I trust the legislature will second his exertions. He shall ever have my zealous, though feeble support, in his laudable endeavours to suppress the immorality and indecency of our theatres -- nay, for the suppression of the theatres themselves.

My brethren, let me therefore exhort you to give a pious attention to my precepts: follow my example; turn from these scenes of vice, and forbid your wives and daughters to frequent them; for, if we have no better morals than to feed our lambs with the milk [p114] of goats, we must look to the time when our flocks will become rank. The carrion crow will not banquet on sweetmeats; nor will the innocent dove feast on a carcase. Let, then, the doves of grace avoid, as they would carrion, these tabernacles of the devil, in which the actors are his chaplains. Let them shun these abominations, if they expect here-after to roost in the eternal pigeon-holes. Brethren, why do ye go one day unto the house of the Lord, and the next day into a den of thieves, for so I may justly call our play-houses, where we are robed of all relish for spiritual objects: they bring a scandal on religion, the Sabbath into contempt, men's souls into danger, and the State into Jacobinism. Brethren, we have sins sufficient without these aggravations; for they of late are come on this abominable Babylon, like unto a land-flood, [p115] sweeping away our morals and piety, as the deluge, inundating a peaceful village, carries away both cattle, pigs, poultry, cats, dogs, rabbits, and rats, and everything before it. Let us build, therefore, unto ourselves an ark in which we may float, and avoid the sinful deluge that shortly will overwhelm, and ultimately destroy, a brave, but profligate, nation.

Brethren, I wish to imprint deeply on your minds the words of the celebrated Mr. Stephen Gosson, a repentant stage-poet, who says, in his School of Abuse, printed in 1578, "That his eyes had shed many tears of sorrow, and his heart had sweat many drops of blood, when he remembered stage-plays, to which he was once so much addicted." This penitent stage-poet farther writes, in 1581, "I will shew you," says he, "what I saw, [p116] and inform you what I have read of plays. Ovid said, that Romulus built his theatre as a horse-fair for whores; made triumphs, and set up plays to gather fair women together, that every one of his soldiers might take where they liked a snatch for his share. It would seem that the abuse of such places was so great, that for any chaste liver to haunt them was a black swan and a white crow. Dion so strictly forbiddeth the ancient families of Rome, and gentlewomen who tender their name and honour, to come to theatres; and rebukes them so sharply when he takes them napping, that if they be but once seen there, he judgeth it sufficient cause to speak ill of them, and to think worse. The shadow of a knave hurts an honest man; and the scent of a stew, an honest matron. Cooks do not shew more art in their junkets to vanquish [p117] the taste, nor painters in shadow to allure the eye, than poets in theatres to wound the conscience. There set they abroach strange concerts of melody to tickle the ear, costly apparel to flatter the sight, effeminate gesture to ravish the sense, and wanton speech to whet inordinate lust. These, by privy entries of the ear, slip down into the heart, and with gun-shot of affection gall the mind. Domitian suffered players and dancers so long in theatres, that Paris debauched his Domitia, and Menster did the like by Messalina. Ovid, in his Art of Love, chargeth his pilgrims to keep close to the saints whom they serve, and to shew their double diligence; to lift the gentlewomen's robes from the ground, to prevent their soiling in the dust; to sweep moats from their kirtles; to keep their fingers in use, to lay their hands on their backs [p118] for an easy stay; to praise that which they commend; to present them pomegranates to pick as they sit; and, when all is over, to wait on them mannerly to their houses. In our playhouses in London, you shall see such heaving and shoving, such itching and shouldering, to sit by women; such care for their garments, that they be not trod on; such eyeing their laps, that no chips light in them; such pillows to their backs, that they take no hurt; such whispering, in their ears, I don't know what; such giving them pippins to pass the time; such playing at foot-saunt without cards; such ticking, such toying, such smiling, such wishing, and such manning them home when the sports are ended, that it is a perfect comedy to mark their behavior, and is as good as a course at the game itself to dog them a little, or to follow aloof by the [p119] print of the feet, and so discover by slot where the deer taketh soil. If this were as well noticed as it is ill seen, or as openly punished as secretly practised, I have no doubt but the cause would be seared to dry up the effect, and those pretty rabbits ferreted from their burrows. Not that any filthiness is commited within the compass of that ground, as was done in Rome; but that every wanton and his paramour, every man and his mistress, every Jack and his Joan, every knave and his queen, are there first acquainted, and cheapen the merchandize in that place, which they pay for elsewhere as they can agree. I design not to shew you all that I saw, nor half that I have heard of those abuses, lest you should judge me more willing to teach than to forbid them."

[p120] Such is the description which the repentant stage-poet, Mr. Stephen Gosson, gives us of the various wickednesses performed at the theatres in his time. My brethren and friends, let me ask your own fearful consciences, whether many of us in these present days have not been guilty of the same unhallowed actions? Have we not taken hold of women's tails? Have we not unhallowed our bodies, by making them unchaste pillows to lean against? Have we not kept our fingers employed in their laps; whispered them, and given them pippins to pass the time? Have not we played at foot-saunt with them? Have we not tricked, toyed, and smiled, and winked, and manned them home, and traced them by their footsteps, as the dog sloteth the deer? Have we not pursued these rabbits to their burrows? [p121] Let me exhort you, therefore, my brethren, to turn away with me, and Mr. Stephen Gosson the repentant stage-poet, from these paths of darkness, and lead a new life. I trust you will follow my example, and quit these scenes of wickedness. But if you will not be admonished of your own destruction, either by repentant stage-poets, or by the regenerated Mr. Stephen Gosson, or by me, you will not surely refuse the evidence of Bishop Babbington on the Seventh Commandment, and Dr. Layton in his Speculum Belli Sacri.

Whoever frequents these chapels of the devil, the theatres, will constantly behold a most despicable race, without any principle of honour; box-lobby loungers and harlots, a miserable sect, without any sense of shame, and at once displaying their [p122] vulgar folly and wanton impudence. -- Let the legislators assure themselves, that, without speedy redress, all things will grow so much out of order, that they will be past remedy.

One strong instance of the effects of dancing, on the passions of men and women, I shall offer to you, my brethren and friends, as related by Xenophon¹¹, who gives us an account of the acting of Bacchus and Ariadne by a Syracusan boy and girl. I do not wish to make a silly parade of my learning, and shall therefore present it in plain English.

"The Syracusan boy entered, in the character of dancing Bacchus, with a pipe before him playing a tune. Then entered [p123] Ariadne gorgeously apparelled like a bride, and sat down before the company. She did not go to meet Bacchus in a dancing moment, nor did she rise from her seat; but made such signs as discovered he might have an easy conquest. When Bacchus beheld her, he expressed his passion as much as possible in his dance, and, drawing near her, fell down on his knees, embraced and kissed her: she, though with some faint resemblance of modesty, embraced him again. At this the spectators gave shouts of applause. Then Bacchus rose up, and taking Ariadne in his arms, there was nothing to be seen but hugging and kissing. The spectators perceiving that they were both handsome, and that they kissed and embraced in earnest, beheld them with great attention, and, hearing Bacchus ask her if she loved him, and she affirming [p124] with an oath that she did, the whole audience swore that the boy and girl loved one another in reality, for they did not act like those who had been taught only to personate those gestures, but like such as had a mind to perform that which they had for a long time earnestly desired. At last, when the company perceived that they were clasped in one another's arms, those that had no wives swore they would marry, and those who were married turned home to their wives."

I again repeat it, and it cannot be repeated too often, that the threatres are nought but the chapels of Venus and the Devil's brothels: there Satan reigns in fully glory; though he has not personally appeared in any of them, at least as we know of, since the reign of Queen Elizabeth: then he visibly appeared to [p125] the whole audience and actors in the Bell Savage play-house, as they were profanely acting the story of Doctor Faustus, to the terror and amazement of all the spectators, and the throwing some of them into a state of distraction¹². I most sincerely wish that Satan would renew his frolics, and appear once more, in propria persona, on our stages; but particularly at the opera-house, amongst those wicked and immodest dancers, that they might all be seized with distraction; for, I much fear, nothing else will prevent a continuation of their immortal and indecent gestures: and that wicked jade Mademoiselle Parisot would meet with no more than her deserts, if he were to give her ten or a dozen hearty smacks with his tail, to make her remember those [p126] attitudes, so repugnant to modesty, which she so wantonly displays. This is my most devout wish; though it is rather unreasonable to expect that the cloven-footed gentleman will act in such direct opposition to his best interests as to comply with it. He will, I apprehend, leave matters as they are, and I must proceed in my honest endeavours to root out the evil as well as I can, without such an able assistant.

Continue...

Notes:

¹ The man that hung his cat on Monday for killing of a mouse on Sunday, is on record: and we may, with great propriety, add the Methodist, who threw all his beer into the street, because it worked on the Sabbath-day. [ back ]

² Morhal says, that the pig is the only animal which can be eaten from the snout to the tail. [ back ]

³ There is no place where the indecency of this custom prevails so much as at the Magdalen Hospital. There are doors contrived which admit but one person at a time; and two men are placed there, who shove their plates in your face, and abuse you if you don't contribute. In short, if the poor girls above could look down and see what is going on below of a Sunday evening, they would be gratified with beholding the counterpart of their old acquaintances, the box-lobbies of the theatres, on the first night of a new spectacle. [ back ]

⁴ Vide Mandeville. [ back ]

⁵ In Switzerland it is a received opinion, that the most ferocious bear will not hurt a real virgin. I am the more inclined to believe it, as we seldom see a girl of above ten years old carrying provisions to the shepherds on the mountains. [ back ]

⁶ See the Country Girl. [ back ]

⁷ Archbishop Herring preached a course of sermons against this detestable Opera. And be it known that I respect his memory for it. [ back ]

⁸ Vide Codex Theodosii, lib. xv. [ back ]

⁹ Justin. Cod. l. i. tit. 6. De Episc. Lex. 17, 18. [ back ]

¹⁰ Hom. de David & Saul, tom i. col. 115. de Verbis Isaiae. [ back ]

¹¹ Convivium apud Xenophon. [ back ]

¹² Vide Hist. Mastin. p. 556. [ back ]