How To Grow Old In A Positive Way
by Stanley Scislowski
Perth Regt, 5th CDN ARMD DIV, 1943-1945

1. If you think youíre going to die, for gosh sakes donít die on the weekend, it disrupts your friendsí free time... hang on at least till Tuesday.
2. Demand respect... if you donít get it, wave your cane at Ďem like youíre going to belt Ďem, or better still, run Ďem down with your wheelchair.
3. If you want to do something with that fine figure you were once proud of... either get an extra-strong corset, or work the flab off. Stop eating. Get back into sex again.
4. If youíre a man, stand closer to the urinal. Those tell-tale wet spots on your shoes and trousers will give you away every time. And make sure you zip your fly all the way up.
5. Have fun. Always have fun. Trade canes with your old fogey buddies. Swap dentures. Read comic books, or better still, subscribe to Hustler Magazine. Quit reading the obituaries.
6. Feel a stroke coming on? Get drunk. Are your male hormones acting up every once in a blue moon? Rent a hard-core porno movie and fantasize, fantasize, fantasize! Better still, get into the Viagra habit.
7. If your internal plumbing is working right - rejoice! Otherwise, always pay a visit to the Ďjohní after you have a nightcap. Taps have been known to leak.
8. Think young. Think that you can still hack it with the best of the studs. Hold on to your memories. Hold on to your values. Hold on to something - anything. Hold on to your sonís arms. And most important of all, hold on for 
dear life - itís the only one youíve got.

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